the-vu

By Jeffrey the Barak

How would you like to spread Napalm on your face while releasing questionable propellants into the ozone layer, and then put a stack of eternal plastic into a landfill?

Doesn’t sound like something you’d want to do does it? And yet if you use aerosol shaving gel, it contains the very same naptha and palm oil as Napalm, that cruel and unusual weapon used in the flame throwers of wars past. This is palm oil that comes from plantations that are gobbling up the habitats of endangered orangutans.

And this convenient chemical cocktail is being helped out of the pressurized, plastic lined can by a propellant gas, which in many countries still contains ozone-eating CFC compounds.

The 2, 3, 4 or 5.5 tiny blades on your razor cartridge are surrounded by, and packed and wrapped in, ounces and ounces of disposable plastic also.

Surely this is not necessary? Of course it’s not!

Just ask your father or perhaps your grandfather. A good shaving brush and some shaving soap can give you a better lather than anything in an aerosol can, for a fraction of the price, and with zero waste. And used properly, a double-edged safety razor, made entirely of steel will give you a close enough shave without irritation or cuts, and that razor blade contains no plastic. It’s all steel. While most come in a plastic box complete with a disposal slot in the back, you can easily find them individually wrapped in paper and then packed into a paper box of 100. Zero plastic.

So if you think you are going green but still use Edge gel and a Fusion razor, think again Mister. It’s time to get into responsible shaving, while saving the planet, and also saving my friends the orangutans, (who never shave).

Jeffrey the Barak shaves….often and repeatedly.

By Jeffrey the Barak

New things are better than old things and new gadgets are better than old gadgets, right? Wrong!

Sometimes the impetus for tools and gadgets to evolve is not to make them better, it’s to change the marketplace to receive more expensive goods. There is no better example of this than the field of men’s’ shaving. Yes the good old Gillette safety razor, invented in 1901, and the good old brush and mug are better than the modern plastic wonders at providing a good shave, and in the long run they save you money and they save your environment from many extra cubic feet of plastic landfill.

The history of shaving is a bloody one. Until the introduction of the straight razor, the ancients used shaving knives, and before that, various sharp shells, flint, and rocks. We see pictures of ancient Egyptians, Greeks and Romans without beards, and we know that their less sophisticated bearded enemies were called Barbarians, because they had beards. Through copper, bronze and iron ages, blades improved in sharpness, but not safety. Razors eventually became steel, and then in the mid-nineteenth century, they developed handles.

But this article is not meant to be a complete history of shaving. Such a history can be found at various websites following a simple web search for “history shaving”. So I will instead quickly switch to recounting my own history of shaving. As a man with a tough beard and a need to shave twice daily to remain approachable, I have quite an interest in it.

I was born in 1957 and during my childhood in the Sixties I watched my father shave each morning with what I now recognize as a Gillette double-edged safety razor with a double door screw open head. I would stand beside him and pretend to shave with my little plastic toy shaving set with paper razor blades. But my first real shave was at age 12, in late 1969. By that time I had received two electric shavers as bar mitzvah gifts, so I began my shaving career with an electric shaver.

Meanwhile, the seven decade reign of the worthy safety razor was coming to an end. Gillette had to contend with competition from Schick, Wilkinson Sword and others, and the only way to sell enough razor blades was to change, and change often. My father, by this time had acquired his Gillette Techmatic, a razor with a handle and a ribbon blade. A turn of the handle and a new section of blade presented itself. There was now a heap of plastic following the old blades to the landfill, and it continues to this day.

By the time I first tried to switch to wet shaving in 1971, the razor was in the era of the Gillette Trac II. The old tradition of father teaching son to shave had by this time been largely forgotten and the extremely effective brush, mug and soap had been replaced by aerosol cans full of foam. The combination of poorly lubricating shaving foam, the non-swiveling, easy clogging, twin-blade cartridge and the lack of instruction meant that my early wet shaves produced a lot of blood, every single time.

Through the periods of the swiveling Atra series and Sensor series I came in and out of wet shaving, usually for a short while until I bought the next new electric shaver.

Recently, I returned to wet shaving with the Schick Quattro and much better aerosol gel, and I got good results, and no cuts. I was content with my method, But then I saw a big plywood sign.

The store was not even there yet, but in the Century City Shopping Mall was a sign that there would soon be a store opening called The Art of Shaving. A whole store just for shaving! I wondered what they could sell to stay in business. Didn’t every drug store sell Gillette Mach 3′s and Schick Quattro’s? Perhaps they would sell Braun and Norelco shavers? I decided to look them up on the Internet. What I found were expensive wet shaving products and an interesting notion that perhaps shaving brushes and shaving soap might work better than the aerosol gels.

Exploring further, I found more websites selling razors, soaps, brushes, mugs etc., with more educational material and lower prices. Realizing I had never actually really shaved, the old way, I found ClassicShaving.com and purchased a large British silver-tipped badger brush, a German Merkur razor that looked like an early 20th Century Gillette, a stand, and some shaving soaps, razor blades and a mug. I was excited, and even though I was not really that bothered about the long term financial savings and lack of discarded aerosol cans and plastic razor cartridges, my (quite expensive) purchases had me anxiously awaiting the package.

My first shave yielded a comfortable and easy shave. Being careful to use a 30 degree angle, by placing the guard down first then raising the handle to 30 degrees to bring the blade into contact with the skin, and by applying no pressure, I was delighted to be able to shave quickly and easily with no cuts. The result was not as close as I would have liked, and not as close as that achieved earlier with my Quattro and Gillette gel, but it was the first try. Shaving this way takes practice. One immediate improvement was the lack of clogging. With my tough hairs and the aerosol gel, the closely set multiple blades of my modern razors were always clogging and needing to be rinsed vigorously after about three inches of shaving. But there was nowhere for the safety razor to get clogged. Soap can go straight through.

I particularly enjoyed the lathering up with the brush and mug. Without a thick layer of white stuff on my face, the glycerin based soap left an extremely slick surface and the hairs were standing at attention waiting to be cut down. I immediately had no doubt that a good brush and shaving soap will prepare anyone for a shave much better than anything from an aerosol. However, to get a very close shave will take careful practice with the safety razor.

While many aficionados will tell you that you should not strive for a very close shave and should not try to cut the whisker at a level that will be below the skin’s surface, this is exactly what the multi-blade systems have been trying to do since 1971. But do we really need to do that? The re-growth of curly beard hair can be uncomfortable if you shave too close, and no matter how close you get with your Quattro or Mach 3, it’s only close for a few hours when the whiskers you pulled out and cut at below skin level start to poke through the follicles again.

The face seems to prefer a shave that’s not so extreme. And here, a gentle practiced touch with an old fashioned safety razor can offer the most comfort, when used lightly and at the correct angle. Of course we all have different skin types, and some shavers are prone to ingrown hairs, (usually men with curly beards), or bumps, whereas others can tolerate a much closer shave. Trained barbers will always shave with the direction of the growth of the hair, as opposed to against it. For most of us that is generally down, but often the neck hairs point back to sides of the neck.

Our instincts, and yes, even our experience, tell us that if we shave up, against the growth angle, we’ll cut the whiskers shorter and get a closer shave, but we will also be inviting razor burn and nicks and cuts as the blade takes that rough ride up the steps. It seems the skin experts want us to sacrifice the potentially closer shave for the more comfortable drag in the direction of growth, downward. But as everyone really knows, a close shave can be easily had if we lather up two or three times. The first pass can be in the direction of growth, the second across the direction and the third, against the direction. But you know what? Even three shaves like this with a safety razor is less irritating to the skin than a single pass with the multi-blade cartridge.

After a few days of carefully shaving in the correct direction, with the correct tool and following a good brushed on lather, I began to get results comparable to that which I achieved with the Schick Quattro. In fact I believe the shave is now just as close with the single razor blade! But remembering that each Quattro or Mach 3 cartridge is a plastic device that comes in a plastic protector, which is itself in a plastic rack of the back of a plastic handle holder, and that those cartridges are about $2 each, I can’t help thinking again about the savings in money and plastic waste that switching to a safety razor will bring. And we won’t even begin to discuss the new Turbo razors that use disposable batteries to make them vibrate.

True, each pack of ten razor blades comes in a little plastic box and even these blades can cost from 15 cents to $1.50 each, depending on where you buy them, but that little box is a tiny amount of plastic by comparison, and the blades are double sided, making them last longer than a modern cartridge. And each cake of soap in that mug can last as long as a few cans of gel or foam and only costs from $1.50 to $6. The brush and mug can last a lifetime, if you’re already an old geezer like me. Again, no landfill. In fact I just bought 100 Israeli blades on Ebay for $15, and there is no plastic box at all.

It seems strange to talk about saving money after spending $80 on a stand, $90 on a brush, $30 on a razor, $12 on soap, $4.50 on a bowl, and $4.50 on my first pack of blades, but the blades and soap will last a while and the rest of my purchase may last longer than I do. In fact, if you decide to buy a shaving brush and a safety razor, bear in mind that they can last forever so try to get everything right in your order. No sense buying a less expensive pure-badger brush to save money, when for a little more you can get a silver-tipped badger brush. You will get into this, and you will end up upgrading, so it will save you money to get the best brush the first time out. Unless you lose your brush or your razor, they may be the last you’ll buy. So consider if you want the original design, or a thicker handle, or a longer handle, or a butterfly opening top. The best selection will of course be online, not at the mall or the drugstore, so try starting at classicshaving.com and then do a Google search for the competitors. Choose your tools carefully.

A pack of 12 Mach 3 cartridges is around $22 these days, and a can of Series Gel is around $3. It’s very hard to calculate, but I guess that after about 3 years, I’ll get my investment back in savings. But once again, that’s not what it’s about. We have to shave and it’s a drag, so why not enjoy it with good tools and materials, and why not spend a few more minutes a day doing it with care and skill?

After decades of putting up with the need to shave, I now look forward to it. Shaving the right way is fun.

One day I shaved my right side with the safety razor and my left side with the Schick Quattro. The results were quite interesting. The modern razor felt safer and faster. But it needed a lot of rinsing or it just didn’t get to the skin at all due to all the hair stuck between the four blades. And also with the Quattro, I could sense tugging, in other words, it felt as if the hairs were being shaved progressively shorter, just as on the famous Gillette television commercial animations, (the reality of which is under dispute to this day). But following the rinse and the pat dry, the side of my face shaved with the Quattro had not in fact shaved me any closer than the side shaved with the safety razor. Not closer, just faster. Perhaps the imminent release of Gillette’s five-blade Fusion razor is the proof. All these blades are nothing but marketing. Each manufacturer trys to get one blade ahead of the other.

So now to the question that many readers who have made it this far will be dying to ask. Why didn’t I go the whole way and learn to shave with a straight razor? Why didn’t I get into honing, stropping, and all the rest? Well I thought about it, but quickly realized that King Gillette’s innovation was called a safety razor for a reason. I think it would only be a matter of time before I dropped the straight razor and did something nasty to my willy, or my foot or something else that happened to be in the way. Too risky for me I’m afraid.

So in all likelihood, I will stay with my brush and safety razor for my daily shaves, but I will also keep my Quattro and can of gel for traveling, and for shaving things that are not my face, as I still can’t picture putting a double edged safety razor anywhere near my “personal hairy areas”.

Jeffrey the Barak is the publisher of the-vu

By Margarita Dominguez

Margarita Dominguez wrote Hair-B-Gone a year ago, and it raised an Internet storm which helped to put the-vu on the big hit list. Now she’s back with a much-requested treatment of a subject that is driving people nuts all over the world, Body Shaving!

Okay, so I’m writing this article for the-vu, but I am personally more of a waxing kind of gal. Shaving is not my thing because it has to be repeated so frequently.

But two things have made me write this guide,

I have received a lot of feedback, via the-vu, from people who have had adverse reactions to waxing. These people have expressed a strong interest in reading a helpful guide to shaving the body.

Jeffrey the Barak, the-vu’s publisher, has informed me that enough people have hit Hair-B-Gone to populate a small country. Hair-B-Gone has been more popular than most books in Barnes and Noble.

So let’s all get wet, lather up and get out our razors for an exciting trip into the world of body shaving.

Why do people want to shave their bodies?

It’s mostly about sex! But also hairy men with good figures and good muscle tone want to show it off by removing their fuzz, oiling up and posing for their admirers and lovers.

Also, the waxing technique that I recommended so highly in Hair-B-Gone just isn’t for everyone. It hurts too much for many folks and many more are prone to contracting folliculitis (infected hair follicles) following a wax job.

Then there is the aspect of the shaving procedure itself. Whilst waxing is endured or tolerated for its end result, it is apparent that people enjoy shaving their bodies. It can be a sexual experience in itself, whether done alone, or performed upon a partner. There are many men’s magazines featuring women being shaved and women who are already shaved, and in the male gay community, mutual shaving is a common form of sexual foreplay.

When asked about hair removal, adult movie performers generally say they go for shaving over waxing for the maintenance of a hair free look. If they wax, and they are waiting for a long enough re-growth for the next waxing, it can interfere with their readiness to work.

About the research for this article! Hold on to your hats!

It would have been irresponsible of me to make this stuff up and have it published on the Internet so I decided to do some serious research and experimentation. For my research I assembled the following ingredients:

* My boyfriend
* Some razors and shaving gel
* And an outgoing male gay couple!

I used my boyfriend as a laboratory. He was hairy and now he isn’t! Lucky for him he was able to have his chest shaved without getting a rash or folliculitis from the re-growth. I have to admit I liked the feel of a naked shaved man, but I have to warn you that any flab or lack of tone around the middle looks much worse without hair to disguise it!

I actually preferred him before the shave, so I broke up with him and kicked him out. I can be brutal sometimes! Actually I’m only kidding, there was another reason to get rid of that guy! Enough said.

The gay couple came in handy to explain the appeal of the shaving act itself. My funny friends shave each other three to four times weekly and they say it always leads to sex. Aside from the mutual shave being practical, (they can each get their backs shaved) they say it’s essential for games involving baby oil and what they referred to as snake fights. These guys have very good physiques and when they insisted on revealing them to me in their entirety, their total hairless beauty mesmerized me. I showed them my own fabulous waxed hairless body but it didn’t hold the same appeal to them as their own overwhelmingly male bodies, so unfortunately for me, nothing happened as usual!

Basics.

Body shaving is best achieved if these basic rules are followed.

• Wash the skin first with warm, not hot, not cold, water so that the skin is very clean.
• Stand in the bathtub so you don’t make a mess. (Men use a drain basket so you don’t clog the drains.)
• Use a new blade or new disposable razor. The sharper it is the less it will nick.
• Let the shaving gel work on the skin before beginning the shave.
• Do a section at a time, not the whole body at once!
• Pull loose skin taut with the fingers of the hand that isn’t holding the razor.
• Don’t press! The lightest touch will shave just as close as a dig but will be less likely to cut the skin.
• Hairy men, for your first shave, reduce the length of the body hair with a beard trimmer or hair clippers or scissors, but keep those blades off the skin itself.
• Avoid the temptation to attempt shaving your own back. Sideways movement of a razor will make a straight cut through your skin.
• If it’s called after-shave, it’s alcohol and it’s going to sting and hurt. All after-shave smells terrible anyway! Buy some witch-hazel to use after your shave. This amazing natural liquid will reduce razor-burn and help prevent the open pores from becoming infected or producing acne. Don’t use pore-clogging cream after your shave!

So lets get down to it, the head to toe guide to body shaving!

Head

I personally think a rotary shaver is better for the head because it is the ultimate curved object, but if you use a razor, be careful not to lose an eyebrow! Use the fingertips of your other hand to feel for areas that still have stubble. Women, you can also shave your heads! Remember when movie star Bai Ling went from four foot long straight black hair to smooth and bald? Try a bald head and assorted wigs for various occasions. It’s a great solution for alopecia, and the entire scalp is of course an erogenous zone when it’s hairless.

Face and Neck

Men do this everyday and are rewarded with that “five o’clock shadow.” That’s why women must never ever shave their faces! Sorry shaving fans, but ladies MUST get waxed or threaded. See Hair-B-Gone
Ears are better dealt with using a rotary shaver but you can also use your wet razor on those coarse wild hairs.

Neck (back of)

Normally the stubbly feel at the back of the neck is quite desirable, but if your scalp is smooth, shave your neck. This should be left for your assistant to do if you are having your back shaved.

Shoulders

Like the chest, re-growth here can be irritating, so once you start, keep it smooth. Best done by an assistant.

Arms and hands

It’s easy to shave your less dominant arm and hand with your dominant hand. It feels weird for a right handed person to hold a razor in the left, but you’ll get used to it because you’ll be doing this at least twice a week from now on.

Back

When shaving your partner’s back, (don’t shave your own unless you really have to,) remember not to press down with the razor. You won’t be able to feel the pressure because it’s not your back!

Underarms

Women are used to this, but guys, don’t press with the blade and relax to let the hollow out. Repeat with a rinsed blade up to five times without pressing!

Chest or breasts

If you are a man with thick dark curly chest hair, the re-growth here will kill you! After you become bald-chested, exfoliate daily in the shower with a scrunchy to make sure you don’t get blocked follicles, which can become infected. If you do get folliculitis go straight to the doctor for antibiotics. During the shave, be very careful not to cut your nipples. Often there is coarse hair right at the nipples edge which should be shaved with great care and precision.

Tummy

It’s like your chest, only lower and hopefully flatter. Luckily it’s less sensitive than your chest and less likely to become infected or irritated.

Pubic Area

If you have shaved the rest of your body bald, why not lose the pubes? You might see the reappearance of that old appendix scar you had forgotten about! I recommend a porn star landing strip, which is a straight edged vertical rectangle of short pubic hair, dead center, directly above your equipment. No pubic hair is also an erotic look, especially on a female. I’m bald there myself and I’m always admiring myself in the mirror.

Guys, if you are keeping an area of pubic hair, keep it trimmed short and have the edges dead straight. Also, having a tiny bald area just above where your shaved penis joins your body will make your penis appear longer!

Bikini area

Okay, we’re discussing body shaving here. There’s no excuse not to include the bikini area, which is adjacent to the pubic, genital and anal areas. No one likes to see hair sticking out of your briefs if your chest is bald!

Genitals (male)

I’ve done this to a guy and I’ve watched two guys do this to each other. It’s not as scary as you may think! Pull the penis if it isn’t erect and gently shave the hairy part of the shaft near the body end. Shave towards the body. Move the penis from left to right to get in all the corners. By the way, If you’ve just shaved your shaft, you’ve just made it look longer! Stretch the skin of the balls as you gently shave them. Get the tops of the legs adjacent to the scrotum while you’re down there. A good way to test for missed stubble is to use the sensitive tongue and lips to feel for rough areas afterwards!

Genitals (female)

You can shave the labia without much danger of nicks and cuts, as long as you’re gentle with that blade. Use the fingertips of your other hand to feel for missed stubble. Repeat as soon as you can feel a re-growth. If you get razor bumps, exfoliate with a wet warm washcloth. No need to get too rough with it, just enough to break the pores free. Unless you’re pure Chinese, this is tough curly hair and it will be re-appearing in a day or two.

Perineum and anus

Between your genitals and anus is an area you shouldn’t miss. Once you’re shaved, you’re more likely to receive visitors down there. When shaving around the anus, stretch the skin of each cheek away from the orifice to get a good pass with the blade. If you are shaving yourself, squat in the tub. Razor bumps should be prevented here, so starting the day after your shave, exfoliate with a washcloth in the shower. Keep this area shaved to avoid uncomfortable stubble. Never press the razor hard against the skin here!

By the way, if you have perfected the martial art of silent farts, the lack of hair around the anus will make it impossible to fart silently from now on. Change your diet or something!

Legs, feet and toes

Easy enough if done in small sections. Any woman will tell you that shaving up the leg, against the direction of growth will net a closer shave, but shaving down is less likely to cut you. Sometimes men’s toe hair is as tough as eyebrows. If so, try soaking the feet in warm water and rubbing soap onto the toe tops for a while to prepare the skin there. No more gorilla sandals!

So there you have it you non-waxers you! Shave only in the bathroom, and clean up thoroughly afterwards.

What’s the worst that can happen?

Folliculitis! Also known as barber’s itch, pseudofolliculitis barbae, and tinea barbae. Basically this is any kind of infection in the hair follicle. The usual cause of folliculitis is the bacteria Staphylococcus (staph) or by a fungus. It may occur anywhere on the skin, as a result of injury or damage to the hair follicle caused by friction from clothing, by blockage of the follicle, or by shaving or waxing. A common cause is the sharp ends of re-growing shaved hair emerging from the follicles and curling back around to irritate the skin.

If you are unlucky enough to get this following your introduction to hairless life, keep the area clean. Avoid re-infecting yourself with contaminated clothing and washcloths. You will probably need to get a prescription for topical or oral antibiotics or antifungal lotion. It is contagious when it’s active and it itches so bad you will be totally miserable for weeks.

Conclusion

As the-vu’s Raymond Wells would say, There you have it! I still prefer to get waxed myself, but I have met people who either can’t stand the waxing or simply enjoy shaving and being shaved. It also has to be said that some people are quite comfortable just having hair all over the place, and that’s cool if you like that look. After all, isn’t this all about sex? We each dance to our different drummers.

Margarita Dominguez is struggling to finish writing a screenplay about road rage in modern America but keeps getting interrupted by the-vu. She maintains a hairless body and owns eight saxophones.

By Margarita Dominguez, In Los Angeles

They don’t teach you about hair removal in school. What works best in each area of the human body? For the sake of all women and men, we attempt to find out.

This article received so many thousands of hits, we gave it a sister article on hair replacement called Hair-B-Back!

From the tops of our heads to the tops of our toes, we are literally covered with hair follicles. A lot of men wish that the follicles on top of their heads were a little more active, but for the most part, our ancestral link to early man produces body hair that we regard as unwanted.

But hair removal is complicated. What works in one area of the body can be a terrible thing to do to another part of the body. Some methods are very painful, some are very expensive, some have side effects, and some are permanent. Why didn’t we get instructions with our bodies?

There are differing opinions out there regarding the method of choice for the area in question, but we hope that this article will guide some readers away from mistakes, and towards the right path to smoothness.

But before we get into hair removal, let’s examine one strange alternative, bleaching. Some women use special bleach to make their facial or body hair lighter, so that it stands out less. They somehow convince themselves that if their mustaches and beards change from brunette to platinum blond, no one will see the hair. While they are performing this operation, they are looking at the hair in the mirror. When it’s over, they admire their handiwork in the same mirror. Somehow they don’t realize that if they can observe the result, so can everyone else in their world who isn’t blind. Bleach ladies take note; you have little white beards and mustaches! We can see them! When you get a tan you look like Santa Claus. You really need to read this article. Don’t bleach ever again, okay?

Some people would prefer not to remove their body hair. This is quite socially acceptable for men. Even Gorilla like men can look pretty macho when naturally hairy. Bodybuilders, however, often choose to remove all of their body hair so that it is possible to see the definition that they have worked so hard for. What’s the point of having six-pack abs if all you can see is the same hairy tummy carpet as before you began training?

Even some women prefer not to shave their underarms or legs. However, whether we like it or not, world beauty standards dictate that we should admire a smooth, hairless female body more than a natural hairy one. Therefore, the hair removal industry exists.

In ancient times, women would get thread and roll it up their legs and over their chin and upper lip. The twine would catch their hair and pluck it out. This natural approach, known as threading, is still offered by some modern beauty salons, and it’s very effective for older people with very loose skin, but science has provided the rest of us with many superior alternatives.

There is hot waxing, cold or Persian waxing (also called Sugaring), shaving, clipping, tweezing, electrolysis, laser treatment, depilatory creaming, and hormone inhibiting. Even the threading has electric versions featuring rubber wheels, (remember Epilady in the Eighties?)

We will address each area of the female and male bodies, starting at the eyebrows and ending at the toes. But first, let’s take a brief look at each method of hair removal.

Methods.

Hot wax could be done at home, but it really should be left to the professionals. If it’s a little too hot it can burn you, and if it’s too thick, it can pull off too many layers of skin and cause serious injury that way. It’s safe enough in the hands of a beautician though. Basically, the lady in the white coat spreads a thin layer of wax over the area and immediately presses a strip of cotton cloth onto the wax, then pulls it off. The hair comes out at the root and the area is left smooth. There is always a little redness and irritation and there is a chance that hair on the next growth cycle, which is below the skin surface, will become ingrown.

Some beauticians will prepare the area with a mild topical anesthetic, but most won’t bother. Usually a sprinkling of talc is enough to degrease the skin and prepare the hairs for maximum wax adhesion. The cotton strips are pressed on in the general direction of hair growth and pulled off in the other direction. Some areas of the body, for example the shins, are fairly tolerant to this kind of pain. Other areas are not, as we shall see when we discuss bikini waxing.

Persian Wax, so-called because Persian women have been doing it for years, is a variation of waxing that involves no heat. Instead of melted wax, the solution is a sticky mixture of sugar, lemon juice and water. In fact the process is now more widely known as Sugaring. The solution can be made in a saucepan for pennies, and you can eat it. Most professionals feel that it fails to remove all of the hair in an area and repetition is required. It’s also a little messy and you’d better make sure there are no ants around.

Shaving costs the price of a razor and a little soap and it doesn’t hurt at all. It has to be done regularly unless you are weird enough to find dark, sharp stubble beautiful. The ends of the shaved hairs are sharp enough to pierce fabric. Certain areas of the body should never be shaved. If a man with thick curly hair on his chest shaves his chest, the thick, curly sharp-ended re-growth will irritate his chest in an unbearable manner, and he will have to keep it shaved bald to avoid the nasty ensuing rash. The only way out of the loop is to tolerate one painful re-growth and then get a chest wax. Hair clippers will cause the same problem.

Tweezers painfully pluck out one hair at a time from the root. A beautician will often use tweezers to pluck out a few stray hairs that were missed by the wax. Tweezers are most often used for eyebrow shaping, but eyebrows can be quickly waxed or sugared into shape also.

Electrolysis should be done professionally, even though some home kits of questionable quality are available. When an electric current is sent through a body hair, the root is destroyed and the hair can then be removed. The pain level varies from person to person and as with all methods, it hurts more in places of the body where there are more nerve endings. Sometimes the results can be permanent or close to permanent.

Laser technology is used for all kinds of things these days. Instead of an electrolysis needle in your follicle you can have a zap of laser light with the same result. It’s not painless, there is an after burn, it’s expensive, and sometimes the hair will just grow back.

Depilatories such as Nair have been around for years, and these days they don’t smell quite as bad as they used to. These creams dissolve the hair chemically so they can be gently wiped away with a wet cloth. Course hair is very resistant to the formula, and many areas of the body react to these creams with a red rash and even welts. Use with care in a well-ventilated bathroom, and remember, whatever chemicals touch your skin will be absorbed by your blood stream. Be nice to your organs and steer clear of harsh chemicals.

Hormonal growth inhibitors are liquids that are sprayed onto the skin. They mimic the effect of baldness to cause hair to cease to grow. Some people find they work, others don’t. They have not yet become a commonly used option, partly because there is no instant gratification. You have to wait and see if the hair will stop growing. Usually, when a person wants the hair off, they want it gone as soon as possible.

The male or female human body.

Working down towards the center of the earth we will discuss options for eyebrows, nostrils, upper lip, chin, neck, shoulders, arms, hands, back, underarms, chest or breasts, tummy, pubis, genitals (male and female), perineum, anus, buttocks, bikini area, legs, feet and toes.

Eyebrows

Waxing or sugaring by a professional is good. It hurts for an instant.

Tweezers hurt and it’s a long job.

Electrolysis and laser treatment can be permanent. It hurts, its pricey and if you remove too much, it’s gone forever.

Nostrils

Short round-ended scissors are safe unless you are in a moving vehicle or in danger of being shoved around in your bathroom!

Battery powered nasal hair-trimmers are excellent.

Upper Lip or Mustache

Men: shave daily with a razor or a shaver.

Ladies: wax or sugar or endure the laser or electrolysis. Never bleach (as discussed earlier.)

Chin or beard

Same as above.

Neck (back of)

Men: Use clippers every three weeks or when your hair is cut. Sharp ends are okay here.

Women: Get it waxed. Don’t forget your ear lobes.

Shoulders

Never shave your shoulders. The hair is course and curly and the re-growth will irritate the skin.

Use wax, sugar, laser or electrolysis.

Arms and hands

The entire arms, hands and fingers are best dealt with using wax or sugar.

Back

Did you know that your back was in back of you? Have someone else do it for you! No shaving here, get waxed.

Underarms

Shaving is safe here but you’ll grow stubble, which looks awful. Be brave and strong during that waxing. Keep the depilatory away from this sensitive skin or your armpits may suffer chemical burns.

Chest or breasts

See above for the horrible consequences of chest shaving. Have your chest waxed or sugared. Be careful around those sensitive nipples.

Tummy

It’s like your chest, only lower, and hopefully flatter.

Pubic Area

Fans of amateur porn might like a big scary bush. Pubic hair probably evolved to trap pheromones, but these days we bathe those away. Men should shape their pubic hair just like the ladies do. A “landing strip” is a desirable shape. Also, if the hair is long, take it between two fingers and cut it down with scissors. Women can experiment with a bald look, because it grows back soon enough. A bikini wax will deal with the perimeter of this area. Women who don’t have at least a bikini wax will get some negative responses when first observed without their panties.

Bikini area

Imagine you are wearing the bottom half of a very brief bikini and there is thick black hair sticking out of the sides! A bikini wax addresses the issue of hair outside of that garment. If you plan on being seen naked, see Brazilian Wax below for the solution!

Genitals (male)

Men who have hair on the shaft of the penis can carefully shave it. Testicles can be carefully shaved. Hot wax is not recommended for your balls, guys. Shaving the inch just above the point where the penis meets the body will give you a longer look. Clippers will cut you, a new wet razor probably won’t.

Genitals (female)

The dancers in the nude strip clubs have no hair at all down there. Shaving will result in stubble and you’ll need to do it every day. Razor bumps will be unpleasant, and using a loofah to prevent bumps would really hurt!

See Brazilian Wax below for the solution!

Perineum and anus

The anus is a mucous membrane. Depilatory cream here will injure you. Shaving stubble will cause irritation as one side of your butt touches the other. Ingrown hairs will be a pain in the butt too. See Brazilian Wax below for the solution!

Legs, feet and toes

Most women deal with leg hair by shaving. Waxing gets a better result and the re-growth is fine and un-stubble like. However, you’ll need almost a quarter of an inch of that baby-fine hair before the next wax, and many women don’t want to be seen with that hair, so they shave every other day instead. You can’t win! The tops of the legs are more sensitive, but you’ll survive. Sugaring may be more effective on shorter re-growth than waxing.

The table above seems to favor waxing in many instances, but waxing is unbearable for many people. By all means experiment, but heed the warnings above.

Brazilian Wax

This has been alluded to throughout this article, and for the uninitiated, it deserves its own paragraph. Certain salons offer this service, but many refuse to do it for fear of unhygienic consequences. Suffice to say, a beautician will ask you to lie down and remove your panties and then raise your legs. She will sprinkle talc all over your butt, perineum and vagina, including the anus and within the labia. Hot wax will be spread over these areas and cotton strips will rip out your hair down to the roots. You will experience intense pain and the pain will continue afterwards. However, the result looks amazingly beautiful and feels even better. If you’re a nude dancer, you will get bigger tips.

Conclusion.

Removing hair from the root by waxing or plucking eventually causes re-growth to slow down or even stop entirely. Shaving never does. If the growth inhibitors become more established, they may eventually replace all of this torture, but until then, be brave, be smooth and don’t cuss and swear when you scream.

Margarita Dominguez is writing a screenplay about road rage in modern America. She maintains a hairless body and owns eight saxophones.