By Lauri Jean Crowe

We all have our own definitions of satisfaction and happiness. Those are the words I wrote in my March 2001 article, The Myth of the Divorced Woman. Now going on the one year anniversary of the dissolution of my marriage I have to agree with that statement wholeheartedly, but also extend that we all have to discover what those definitions are.

So, did I turn out to be the penis hungry divorcee hitting bars and allowing any man who showed interest to have me? Nope, I was stupid beyond the stereotype and fell into another category – the post-divorce sex with the ex. My psychologist at the time told me that roughly 50% of women who go through a divorce will end up sleeping with their ex-husband after the divorce is final. Another 50% of those women will then go on to reemerge into the same bad, and often abusive relationships but without that marriage certificate. I got smart, and stopped before I became another statistic.

So, why do women – or men for that matter end up sleeping with their ex’s after a long and tiring divorce? Because you’re raw. You’ve been broken hearted, dragged in and out of lawyer’s offices, court rooms, child custody hearings and you feel empty, lonely. You lose sight of the reasons that you chose to end the relationship and instead begin to focus on the illusory positives of way back when. It seems natural to fall into bed with this person, especially if you have children together and have to see one another at visitation times. For some, it’s a way of healing, slowly. For others it is the distant hope that you will be loved by that person again.

For me, it was the sex. Sex had always been good between us, great even at times. So, when it was available I took him up on it. However, I never asked and I never led him to believe I was still in love. I never let it get out of hand in front of the kids. I did it with eyes wide open. However, the sex felt empty because of that lack of emotion and after a few times I ended relations. There are some things that simply can never be the same.

So, what to do if you’re in the post-divorce sex with the ex statistical group? Look long and hard at why you are doing what you’re doing. Don’t lose sight of the past, because it has shaped you. Enjoy the sex, and make sure the emotions you’ve attached to it are enjoyable as well. If you have children, be wary of confusing them even further. If you find yourself heading into an even more destructive mess than your marriage, seek help. Above all, think about your own definitions of satisfaction and happiness; seek them out and live them.

Lauri Jean Crowe is a freelance writer known for such diverse topics as dreams, sexuality, gardening, health and parenting. She is a freelance writer, artist and designer living in Michigan, USA.