First Bondage: The Story of Ellen

By Lauri Jean Crowe

She is a woman. She is a faithful wife of seven years. She is a mother. She practices attachment parenting with her infant. She trusts her husband. She can’t talk about what she wants in bed. She’s looked at bondage sites on the internet – over her husband’s shoulder. She is thirty years old. She has a 7 year itch. She likes getting bound. She could be your neighbor. She tells the-vu what she cannot bring herself to say to even her closest friends. She is Ellen. Here is a look at Ellen, unbound:

LJC: When did you first begin experimenting with bondage?

ELLEN: This past year. I think it is part 7 year itch and part just an effort to get my husband more interested in sex. I have a high sex drive and he has not been able to keep up lately. He has a job which really unmans him, exhausts him (80 hour weeks for the last 3 years, and just saps his will.

So, you suggested bondage to help titilate him and get him revved up after those 80 hour weeks?

A while back, I found him looking at bondage sites on the internet. It seemed to excite him and with much chagrin, I can admit, that it piqued my interest a bit. It was an act of courage to tell him that we could try it. I pondered it a long time. What if I did not like it and he did? If he wanted to do it all the time and I didn’t? There were a hundred other “what-ifs” mostly trust issues.

Recognizing all those “what-ifs” I’m assuming you’ve had experience with bondage before?

I had a boyfriend in college who was really into the idea of bondage and domination, but I was too timid (in my younger days) to try it. He pressured me and the relationship broke up. I did not want to risk that. My husband is my primary relationship… still the love of my life after seven years. The stakes were very high.

So, your first real bondage experience was with your husband of 7 years. What sort of bondage have you two experimented with?

He’s into ropes and scarves. I own a pile of silk scarves (have for years for fashion purposes). He is an avid sailor and has studied knot tying (for sailing and general interest). He has done a fair amount of research into Japanese art bindings. We do try to use soft rope because otherwise it leaves marks.

So, you’re the one whose being bound all the time?

I keep promising him that I am going to tie him up some day, but I have not gotten around to it yet. I have yet to figure out what one can do to a man who is tied up that one cannot do to a man who is not tied up. In some ways, I don’t understand what the attraction for tying someone up is.

But you do understand what the attraction of being bound is, don’t you?

I am generally not able to communicate what I want in bed. I just
cannot talk about it. I can’t say the words. I think that, in a way, bondage is freeing for me. I don’t have to do anything, I can just lay back and take it.

No, you don’t have to do anything when you’re bound, but is there anything about you experiences with bondage that make you uncomfortable?

I guess most of what we do is kind of tame. We have played with the pain angle, mainly biting and I admit, it does have its attractions, but the bruises are difficult to explain to my five year old, as are the ropes in the bedroom.

Some of the bondage sites I’ve seen on the internet are very explicit and some are even violent. Are you ever worried that your husband will get too carried away?

(grinning wickedly) I am not afraid. This is my husband, I know he’d never hurt me, well, not unless I want him to. It is a profound expression of our trust for one another. I generally imagine him doing more eclectic things than  he actually does… I cannot say that I actually want him to do those things, though. Fantasy is good… an integral part of the sex act.

How integral is bondage to your regular sex life? Is there a facet of bondage that is regularly practiced in your bedroom?

Some mild bondage is. He will often hold my wrist down or behind me when we have sex. Sometimes I hold his shoulders down, or bite.

How often do you practice more intense sexual bondage with scarves and ropes?

About once a month for the time consuming stuff. We do attachment parenting and have an infant who shares the family bed, so we can’t have fun until she’s asleep. Between the baby and my husband’s heavy work schedule, we don’t have sex much anyway.

Is sex with bondage more orgasmic for you that sex without bondage?

No… not really. It is actually a bit less orgasmic for me. He does not know how to stimulate my body as well as I do… but our love making is a work in progress. We teach each other, we learn from each other.

What advice do you have for other women who are just starting out in the erotic play of sexual bondage?

For a woman, trust is very important. This is not something most women can do with someone that they do not trust. Don’t do anything that makes you really uncomfortable, but be willing to push your limits a little.

Speaking of limits, do you think being submissive in bed puts you at a disadvantage in the relationship?

I tend to be a very dominant sort of personality. I run the kids, the  finance and the house. I have to. He is a sailor and that means he is away. I must be independent. I must be strong. He has never diminished me as a person for being what I need to be, but this gives him an overt way of being the stronger, more dominant one. It’s balance.

So, you would say that bondage has enhanced your relationship with your husband, then?

Though I am the one being tied up, the act binds us together. Men often define themselves by their sexual prowess. We had several years after the birth of my first where I was disinterested. If I did not want him, it was a blow to his self esteem and conversely, if I do want him and I am willing to go to lengths to interest him, it means that he is worthwhile as a man. While I don’t think he thinks in these terms, I can see the change in him. He is less beaten down from work and more the man I fell in love with.

Thanks to Ellen for sharing this very personal look at her experiences with sexual bondage in the security of a stable, seven year relationship with her husband. Hopefully it will help the readers of The-Vu see that erotic bondage is not just a means of control, domination and power, but that it can be an expressive gateway for love. Maybe it will inspire a few of you to invest in some silk scarves and rope

(c) December 2000, Lauri Jean Crowe

Lauri Jean Crowe is a freelance writer known for such diverse topics as dreams, sexuality, gardening, health and parenting. She is a freelance writer, artist and designer living in Michigan, USA.

Erotic Play: Biting for Love

By Lauri Jean Crowe

Teeth gnash. Teeth bite. Teeth mash. Teeth can titillate. The average mature adult has thirty-two of these shining enamel pearls in their moist mouths. I have twenty-four – one for every hour of the day. You see, my jaw just wasn’t big enough to hold them all so I had eight removed as a child. As an adult I value the twenty-four I have; they allow me to masticate and take in all the pleasures of eating, tasting, chewing, and sex. Yes, sex.

There is something utterly primal about being bitten. If it’s a dog or a wolf it can be frightening, terrifying. Even more so when it is a human being with all of societies taboos against cannibalism. When you think of teeth you think of fangs; teeth equal vampires, monsters, nightmares, wild beasts. Teeth are the things which make you close the doors and windows tight at night. But what about the door to the bedroom? What if that sheep in wolf’s clothing suddenly takes a nip at your nipple? Erotic biting can bring all those terrors into your mind and turn them into unimaginable pleasures. That is, unless you’ve already been bitten. Then you can not only imagine, but deliciously recall those moments of intense stimulation.

I remember the first time I was bitten. It was in the early days of my blooming sexuality. I was nineteen and a lover leaned in and bit my nipple at the point of orgasm. It was intense. My first thought was outrage, my next was “ahhhhhhh”, that followed with “I think I’d like more of that”. Unfortunately that lover left almost as quickly as the sensation of that first bite and it wasn’t until I met my husband that biting was again a factor of lovemaking.

He asked permission. I acquiesced. It was an exploration into a realm of intense erotic stimulation I didn’t even know existed except for that one quick bite years prior. He began at the nape of my neck, a quick nip followed by a tongue trailing down my vertebra. Then another bite just along the center of the spine. Then another, down a bit further, always followed by that tongue leading the way to the next delicious bite. When he got to the small of my back, I had climaxed twice already without any form of penetration. That first time had me screaming for more, and screaming with intense pleasure. He went slowly, gently, with soft gentle nips and twists of the tongue.

Since then, much of my body has been privy to his bite. There’s no region I have barred, but there is always a safety net. There is always a point where I can say no. It has been rare that I have wanted to. Intense stimulation is just that, and those of us who enjoy it know that biting can be a passionate discourse into erotica. For those who are just beginning the journey into intense stimulation and erotic biting, you should be aware that certain guidelines need to be set:

1. Have a safety word. Make this word something that you wouldn’t  normally say during sex. Choose the latin name of a flower (gypsophalia) or an everyday object (stove). If the biting becomes more pain that pleasure, or simply too intense you have a safeguard, can scream the word and the biting stops then and there.

2. Know your partner well. Make sure he or she will abide by the safety word. If not, you can be in danger of physical harm. Erotic biting is not something to engage in with a random you picked up at the bar. It entails trust and trust can only be garnered in a more intimate, regular relationship.

3. Go slow. Biting can be dangerous. You should not have open wounds after a session of this form of erotic play, however you may have slight red discolorations which will fade or even bruises depending on how ardent your bitemate is.

4. Recognize that biters usually don’t like to be bitten. Biting back can be a complete buzz kill. Biting is more often than not about control, it is not out and out combat with the teeth.

5. Have a first aid kit on hand with some triple antibiotic and Band Aids. In case your lover gets a bit too vicious, or accidentally breaks the skin in the midst of sexual fervor you should immediately wash the area, apply triple antibiotic and a bandage so that infection doesn’t set it. A human bite can be just as, or even more deadly as one from an animal such as a dog.

On an end note, erotic biting may seem like a safe sex alternative, however the mouth harbors many germs. If you engage in genital biting you run the same risks of STD and HIV infection as if you were penetrated. The mouth often has small tears in the gums or tongue which can easily transmit not only bacteria, but blood, regardless of if you are the recipient of a wound from erotic biting. Be wary, be careful and if you do have your lover bite your clitoris or penis or other sensitive areas such as the nipples be sure that you know your lover’s communicable status which is always a good idea in any time of relationship but especially in those of intense stimulation where control is often a factor. It may be your lovers idea to control the spread of his own disease while getting off on biting you. Dangers exist in any sexual situation. Take precautions. That said, teeth gnash. Teeth bite. Teeth mash. Teeth can titillate. Let them!

Lauri Jean Crowe is a freelance writer known for such diverse topics as dreams, sexuality, gardening, health and parenting. She is a freelance writer, artist and designer living in Michigan, USA.