By S.D. Craig

I can speak from experience, and oh, how I’ve learned, about men in my life.  And men in other women’s lives, too.  That’s not to say I typecast men in general, but there are a few things about both sexes that just fall into place just about every time.  You can count on it.

Men may often talk about or wonder about what women really need.  And if they ever got brave enough to ask us, we may or may not tell them the truth.  Some women like mysterious.  They like to be mysterious.  I truly think there’s a bit of good in the fact that men don’t always know what we’re going to do next.  It keeps them on their toes.

My Mom, to this day, still delightfully surprises my Dad.  She’s such a package of energy, femininity, spirit, brains and talent – I can’t believe it.  Fact is, neither can he.  He still looks over at Mom as if he has no idea how he bagged that one, ya know?  I hear him chuckle as he relates the “new crazy thing Mom did on the golf course today,” golf being his world that he invites her into once in a little bitty while.  He might be busy laughing over the new ways she finds to trip and fall, whether walking or on her bike.  She turned sixty-nine yesterday and I still can’t keep up with her.  But this story is about men.  Males.  Masculinity.  The stronger sex.  The ones who make more money (though that’s ’another argument).

Wanting is not the same as getting and I’m a practical woman.  We all want a Mel Gibson, a Brad Pitt, a Harrison Ford, no?  But what we get is something between there and the slob in the Lazy Boy stuffing Cheetos and beer down, hollering like a lunatic at the 49ers on TV, belly peeking out under the old white T-shirt, socks hanging off the end of his toes.

Don’t get me wrong.  We truly want a real man.  But he needs a few things to fulfill our needs, doesn’t he?  How many men does it take to please one woman?  And can he be a combo of these or does she need separate men for her to be happy?  Good questions.  Thank you.

A woman should begin life with a father and for all of you who didn’t have much in the way of this in your lives, I apologize.  It’s unforgivable.  A female needs a manly man to look up to, or even a softhearted one who cries over movies with her.  It doesn’t matter.  A fatherly figure stands a woman in good stead from diapers and pigtails through dating, marriage and sometimes, even divorce.  A daddy is a good thing.  Sugar daddies were invented for a reason.

There’s a definite need for a handyman in a lady’s life.  A mechanic is nice, also, but not entirely necessary, though a two for one deal here is a real plus.  When she’s knee-deep in filthy sink water, it’s nice to know Mr. Fix-It is just a few feet away on that Lazy Boy.  When that SUV tank breaks down, it’s great to have a guy whose nails aren’t perfect and manicured looking under that hood with some know-how in his eyes.

A sex God?  You’ve seen those nude statues in downtown areas or parks, of the man sculpted to beat all.  Whoa.  Oh yes, a woman needs a man to make her feel like a woman.  That’s not to mean she can’t be a woman without a man, not at all.  But when it comes to the bedroom sports (or wherever you take them in), he’s got to know how to make her purr, push her buttons, stroke her skin.  Don’t forget her hair, nothing’s sexier than a man brushing a woman’s hair (and if they’re both naked, it’s even better).  Romance her, do little things that will be remembered forever.  Men think women aren’t interested in sex.  Don’t you listen to those silly voices in your heads, honey.  If you know what you’re doing, your woman will be interested in about as much romp time (or more) than you can handle.  Uh huh.  Tenderness, appreciation, affection and attention.  What aphrodisiacs.

Earning a living does fall somewhere in the things that makes a woman happy, but a man with his finger on his wallet or the check at dinner makes us smile.  Oh, doesn’t it though?  This going dutch stuff went out long ago, in a Southern woman’s opinion.  Nothing’s better than knowing our man can handle things come fire, flood or famine — famine being the one where he can afford to take us out to dinner every Friday night for the rest of our born days.  We want jewelry and candy and flowers and all that.  Don’t kid yourself we’re satisfied with less.  This doesn’t make a woman materialistic, just feeling like she’s taken care of.

A communicator is high on a woman’s list, a man to talk to and who can hold up the end of a decent conversation.  In with this falls the great listener, too.  Can he repeat back to you everything you say?  Once in a while, I stop in the midst of regaling some tale to Bob and ask him what I’ve just said.  Just checking.  Almost always, he can repeat it to me but I’ve caught him a time or two with no idea what I was saying.  Talk and listen.  Both key words in any relationship, whether it’s with your woman, your children or your parents.  Nobody likes someone who is bent on discussing themselves non-stop.

Along those same lines, let’s add to that a man with a wonderful sense of humor, which includes being able to laugh at himself and not just others.  We don’t need Jim Carrey here, but we don’t want a sourpuss face or a grump to live with.  Humor should be spontaneous, should come often, and let laughter bubble up in your lives more often than it doesn’t.  It’s a fabulous thing, laughter, especially when shared.  I know, I know.  I do laugh out loud at times and I’m completely alone.  So, what’s your point?

Now, I add this one as a personal suggestion.  A woman wants her man to be a good, safe driver.  Thank you for letting me say that.  Not a tailgater, not Parnelli Jones on the interstate, just a plain old “get-me-where-I-wanna-go” kind of man.

Let me say I’m not limiting this list to the above characteristics nor saying all these men can be put into one body.  But we can hope, can’t we?

This is, after all, the new millennium.

SD Craig is a freelance writer and editor of LovingYourCurves.com and was given the nickname “Chatterbox” by fellow writers. At age fifty, Craigs Southern flair and sense of humor give her plenty to write about with a rapier wit and a wacky outlook. Her articles on body image (her biggest passion), marriage/divorce and relationships, family, friends, career issues, computers, the Internet, horses, baseball, movie reviews and writing tips remind one of Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry. A freelance writer who once juggled five columns then got real, Craig welcomes your e-mails and feedback on her articles. Drop her a hello at sdcraig922@yahoo.com or stop by www.lovingyourcurves.com.