the-vu

By Lauri Jean Crowe

She is a woman. She is a faithful wife of seven years. She is a mother. She practices attachment parenting with her infant. She trusts her husband. She can’t talk about what she wants in bed. She’s looked at bondage sites on the internet – over her husband’s shoulder. She is thirty years old. She has a 7 year itch. She likes getting bound. She could be your neighbor. She tells the-vu what she cannot bring herself to say to even her closest friends. She is Ellen. Here is a look at Ellen, unbound:

LJC: When did you first begin experimenting with bondage?

ELLEN: This past year. I think it is part 7 year itch and part just an effort to get my husband more interested in sex. I have a high sex drive and he has not been able to keep up lately. He has a job which really unmans him, exhausts him (80 hour weeks for the last 3 years, and just saps his will.

So, you suggested bondage to help titilate him and get him revved up after those 80 hour weeks?

A while back, I found him looking at bondage sites on the internet. It seemed to excite him and with much chagrin, I can admit, that it piqued my interest a bit. It was an act of courage to tell him that we could try it. I pondered it a long time. What if I did not like it and he did? If he wanted to do it all the time and I didn’t? There were a hundred other “what-ifs” mostly trust issues.

Recognizing all those “what-ifs” I’m assuming you’ve had experience with bondage before?

I had a boyfriend in college who was really into the idea of bondage and domination, but I was too timid (in my younger days) to try it. He pressured me and the relationship broke up. I did not want to risk that. My husband is my primary relationship… still the love of my life after seven years. The stakes were very high.

So, your first real bondage experience was with your husband of 7 years. What sort of bondage have you two experimented with?

He’s into ropes and scarves. I own a pile of silk scarves (have for years for fashion purposes). He is an avid sailor and has studied knot tying (for sailing and general interest). He has done a fair amount of research into Japanese art bindings. We do try to use soft rope because otherwise it leaves marks.

So, you’re the one whose being bound all the time?

I keep promising him that I am going to tie him up some day, but I have not gotten around to it yet. I have yet to figure out what one can do to a man who is tied up that one cannot do to a man who is not tied up. In some ways, I don’t understand what the attraction for tying someone up is.

But you do understand what the attraction of being bound is, don’t you?

I am generally not able to communicate what I want in bed. I just
cannot talk about it. I can’t say the words. I think that, in a way, bondage is freeing for me. I don’t have to do anything, I can just lay back and take it.

No, you don’t have to do anything when you’re bound, but is there anything about you experiences with bondage that make you uncomfortable?

I guess most of what we do is kind of tame. We have played with the pain angle, mainly biting and I admit, it does have its attractions, but the bruises are difficult to explain to my five year old, as are the ropes in the bedroom.

Some of the bondage sites I’ve seen on the internet are very explicit and some are even violent. Are you ever worried that your husband will get too carried away?

(grinning wickedly) I am not afraid. This is my husband, I know he’d never hurt me, well, not unless I want him to. It is a profound expression of our trust for one another. I generally imagine him doing more eclectic things than  he actually does… I cannot say that I actually want him to do those things, though. Fantasy is good… an integral part of the sex act.

How integral is bondage to your regular sex life? Is there a facet of bondage that is regularly practiced in your bedroom?

Some mild bondage is. He will often hold my wrist down or behind me when we have sex. Sometimes I hold his shoulders down, or bite.

How often do you practice more intense sexual bondage with scarves and ropes?

About once a month for the time consuming stuff. We do attachment parenting and have an infant who shares the family bed, so we can’t have fun until she’s asleep. Between the baby and my husband’s heavy work schedule, we don’t have sex much anyway.

Is sex with bondage more orgasmic for you that sex without bondage?

No… not really. It is actually a bit less orgasmic for me. He does not know how to stimulate my body as well as I do… but our love making is a work in progress. We teach each other, we learn from each other.

What advice do you have for other women who are just starting out in the erotic play of sexual bondage?

For a woman, trust is very important. This is not something most women can do with someone that they do not trust. Don’t do anything that makes you really uncomfortable, but be willing to push your limits a little.

Speaking of limits, do you think being submissive in bed puts you at a disadvantage in the relationship?

I tend to be a very dominant sort of personality. I run the kids, the  finance and the house. I have to. He is a sailor and that means he is away. I must be independent. I must be strong. He has never diminished me as a person for being what I need to be, but this gives him an overt way of being the stronger, more dominant one. It’s balance.

So, you would say that bondage has enhanced your relationship with your husband, then?

Though I am the one being tied up, the act binds us together. Men often define themselves by their sexual prowess. We had several years after the birth of my first where I was disinterested. If I did not want him, it was a blow to his self esteem and conversely, if I do want him and I am willing to go to lengths to interest him, it means that he is worthwhile as a man. While I don’t think he thinks in these terms, I can see the change in him. He is less beaten down from work and more the man I fell in love with.

Thanks to Ellen for sharing this very personal look at her experiences with sexual bondage in the security of a stable, seven year relationship with her husband. Hopefully it will help the readers of The-Vu see that erotic bondage is not just a means of control, domination and power, but that it can be an expressive gateway for love. Maybe it will inspire a few of you to invest in some silk scarves and rope

(c) December 2000, Lauri Jean Crowe

Lauri Jean Crowe is a freelance writer known for such diverse topics as dreams, sexuality, gardening, health and parenting. She is a freelance writer, artist and designer living in Michigan, USA.