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Douglas Fairbanks as The Black Pirate (1926)

By Jeffrey the Barak

Novels and movies have glamorized the image of the pirate. We can imagine ourselves dressed in puffy shirts, with swords at our side, swinging on ropes between various high points of ship’s rigging, sailing to exotic lands full of treasure and beautiful women.

Of course deep down we know that pirates have always been cruel, dirty, smelly, dangerous, murderous filth bringing misery and death to their victims, only to have their short lives end in early death.

But even as images of the scum of Somalia pervade the news media, we still imagine Johnny Depp, Errol Flynn or Douglas Fairbanks, in some sunnier version of the Disneyland ride whenever we hear the word pirate.

There are societies of people who dress like a pirate, talk like a pirate and swagger like a pirate. But again this is the fictitious pirate image, not the Somalian in the open boat who would shoot off your hand to steal your Seiko.

With this seductive enchanting vision in mind, I decided to attend a local Pirates Class. The colorful flyer was stapled to a telegraph pole, and the first class was free. To save time, I donned my raggedy calf-length pants tied at the waist with am eight-inch wide leather belt, tied my white ruffles shirt with the billowing sleeves into a knot at the waist, knotted on my bandana and place my tri-cornered felt hat atop it. I grabbed my rubber sword and practiced some pseudo Cornwellian aaaarghs on the way down.

The same flyer for the Pirates Class was on the door and in I strutted, only to find all sorts of alien and diabolical ropes and pulleys atop even more diabolical beds of torture. Alas, my landlubber friends, I was once again a victim of my failing eyesight. You see, the flyer did not say Pirates Class at all. It said Pilates Class.

I would have stayed, but I was asked to leave.

Jeffrey the Barak drinks rum while laughing atop the mainmast.

By Annie Manzano

In 1987, Willard Froloy was found dead and partly devoured in his Philadelphia apartment. His three pet dogs had been feeding on his corpse for two weeks. Investigation showed that the cause of death was choking and it seems that large-cut French-fried potatoes were the substance of the blockage.

The dogs had eaten the potatoes, but peelings suggested that the victim had prepared at least ten of them.

Well known tennis player Bea Tyson, was bitten on the throat by her pet Lab, a sweet dog who had shown no aggression or abnormal behavior for the five years she had lived with Bea. Tyson said later that the sight of a bag of potatoes had sparked something primal in Rainy’s demeanor and the attack occurred in the blink of an eye.

When house burglars Lorn and Cleavis Hutson seduced a family chow with a fresh beef shank and filled their bags with the valuables belonging to the Arlen family in Dallas, all went well until Lorn picked up a potato from the kitchen counter. In a flash, the chow had sunken it’s teeth into brother Cleavis’ face and punctured his eyeball.

These incidents all occurred in 2008 and in all there were close to twenty reports of previously peaceful pooches suddenly snapping violently at the mere sight of the humble potato. But according to FBI agent Brandon Line, as suddenly as it all started, it stopped, with zero cases in 2009. The file was closed in 2010.

So what caused this outbreak of potato sparked dog attacks? Agent Line believes it is possibly a four year cycle, because there were some cases reported in 2004 also. Nothing can be proven, but come 2012, it may be prudent to take care around dogs when using potatoes.

Annie Manzano is the secretary of the Filipino-American Potato Society of San Jose, California.