Category Archives: Relationships

Many need to write it, few ever read it.

Sexual abuse or “boys at play”

Posted on by
Reply

By Mark Bernstein

There’s been a lot of attention in the news about sexual abuse. The most recent scandal involves some sports coaches at a large American University culminating in the firing of a legendary and iconic football coach for being complicit in the cover-up of a younger coach’s indecent activities. This most base of human indiscretions seems to be rampant in the worlds of religion and sports – men of the cloth and coaches being the major perpetrators. Much of the abuse we hear about seems to be man on boy. For many victims, the sexual abuse has had an initially occult but eventually profound effect on their lives, which is completely understandable, undoubtedly due to their betrayal by highly trusted adults which makes it difficult for them to trust again. What may be much more common is everyday sexual abuse which never makes it into the newspapers, TV shows, or law or mediation courts, or even into conversation.

Like what happened to me. I am now 61 and it would have been when I was about 10. It happened over several summers at my family’s summer cottage. There was an older boy BC, I guess 5 years my senior, whose family had the cottage next to ours. One of the families had put up a large old-fashioned white canvas box tent between the two cottages for the boys to use as a play-house or fort. BC was fun to be with and we did a lot of fun stuff like walking in the woods, going fishing, making forts, swearing, shooting arrows with bows, smoking cigarettes, drinking stolen alcohol, spying on our sisters, boy stuff. I guess I felt honoured to have an older boy spend time with me. And I was such an insecure little kid I would have done anything anyone older than me told me to do.

So I did. He did not physically force me but he must have asked and saying “no” would not have even popped into my immature little brain. So, at his instruction I used to regularly go into the tent, undress him, get on my knees and put his erect penis into my mouth and with his verbal guidance and probably some help from his right hand, (as I’m sure I was not very good at it) bring him to orgasm. During the act he always regaled me with tales of the last girl he had felt up. After 50 years I still remember the name of his favourite girl (her initials were CH). I don’t remember if I swallowed or got any on my face. I do not recall if I felt any sexual arousal. Maybe it was just another simple and not unpleasant chore like putting out the garbage or mowing the lawn.

I do not feel remotely scarred by what happened. I do not recall feeling badly, or frightened, or violated at the time it happened. It did not feel particularly unnatural. Maybe I thought it was some kind of game boys play. And when I reflect on it now (which I seldom do) I don’t have any negative feelings. My heterosexual development was within normal limits regarding my sexual appetite and performance, or any other metric I can think of. And while I completely embrace homosexuality (including being a strong supporter of gay marriage) I feel no homosexual desires and do not recall ever having had such urges. Similarly, I do not find the idea of being with a man repulsive. In fact the opportunity of giving pleasure to one’s fellow homo sapiens of any gender is a very wonderful thing to do and may trump other factors.

So I guess the questions for me are: Why did this not have a greater (or any) impact on me? Am I a latent homosexual? Was the bond of trust between me and BC just not powerful enough to produce consequences when it was broken? Or has it had an impact and I’m just not aware of it? Maybe I would have been a better husband, a better father, a better brain surgeon had these things not happened. I’ll never know and I’m not going to lose a minute’s sleep over it. And I almost never think about it. I’m not even sure why I wrote this piece except maybe to convey to others like me: “You’re not weird if childhood sexual abuse did not screw up your life”. I guess that’s why.

 

Mark Bernstein is a neurosurgeon at the Toronto Western Hospital and Professor of Surgery at the University of Toronto. He and his wife Lee (a native Los Angelina) have three daughters and two pet Labradors. He has written extensively in the medical literature for over 25 years and for the last few years has been trying his hand at non-medical writing. He is the world’s second worst saxophone player.

A need to consider perspective.

Posted on by
3

By Sig Shonholtz

perspective4

I have been trying to bridge a gap of understanding, which seems to define many relationships. For lack of a better phrase (I welcome any better phrase) I am calling it a philosophical anomaly.

I will explain it best in an experience I had with an old girlfriend. I was driving the car and she was my passenger. I was driving in a sort of jerky fashion and she said to “can you drive a little nicer”, which I did.. A week later she was driving and I had to make the same request of her, “can you drive a little nicer, please (hers was a demand, mine a request)?” But instead of changing her driving she argued that I made the request because she had said it to me the week before. I argued (pointed out) that last week I was the driver and this week I am a passenger and my perspective was completely different.

This got me wondering about how many possible perspectives a person could have during any 24 hour period. These perspectives are not points of view, because as many people as there are on earth is as many points of view there are.

After a few months of day dreaming about it I settled on 6 possibilities (permutations). Since driving was the inspiration for the theme I kept it as my model. But we could just as easily use an example of dining in a restaurant.

The First Perspective is driving a car by ourselves. It does not matter so much how we drive (unless we are being unsafe to others). We are alone with our thoughts and awarenesses. Like eating alone and sitting at a table.

The Second Perspective is driving the car with a passenger in the front seat, we need to be more aware and thoughtful of that person sitting next to us. Our driving style and our conversation impacts them. Like eating with a friend and “driving” the conversation, or just doing the talking at that moment.

The Third Perspective is from the passenger in the front seats point of view. The passenger is now sitting at the table. Each time the conversation shifts back and forth one person is either in the second or third perspective.

The Fourth Perspective is that of a passenger in the back seat. They may be participating or not but they are observers. This would, for example be someone in an audience, an observer on an event. Or perhaps a person at a dinner table not really being addressed but watching. Theirs is actually  privileged because they may notice things in the dynamics that others do not see.

The Fifth Perspective is the time we spend sleeping. Since these Six Perspectives take up 24 hours of each day time we spend sleeping must be included. We are not so aware during that time though.

The Sixth Perspective is not really a perspective it is imaginative but it might be most important one although it is very hard to achieve. I am calling it the ultimate perspective. In order to try and have the ultimate Perspective we must try and exit our humanity. We must pretend or imagine that we have not interest in human affairs. So, when I want this insight I imagine I am a science officer on an interstellar space craft. I do not really care about human affairs. I am not myself, an American Jewish man that is 55 years old and from California that likes watches. When I take this Perspective I am free to decide right and wrong good or bad and up and down. Things are much more clear from this position. In fact morality is just a changing concept.

In my case the Second and Third Perspectives are the ones between my former girlfriend and I, and myself and my former girlfriend. I am continuously to exhaustion either the passenger or the driver and cannot seem to explain that our differences are more to do with this simple idea than anything else.

I have noticed this dynamic in another area which I will try and explain. It is something like this. As a child we argue when someone older then us tells us not to do something. We will argue with them that, because they do it, we can do it. It goes something like this, we have all been in this moment. You tell a child not to eat with their mouthful, but inevitably we do the same thing so they argue and say “you do the same thing”. In my case, with my young daughter we sometimes say yah instead of yes. She does not use the word yah and is always correcting us, (this example is almost the opposite of what I am trying to say).

As adults we have the same problem but this time when we say, “you do the same thing” we mean something else. We are accusing the person of not being aware that when they are in the Second Perspective they cannot imagine themselves in the Third and vice versa. This is the problem I have, trying to convey this very simple idea of trying to see oneself as we might be seen.

I do not know if I am clear on the one above. It has been very difficult for me it articulate it. I actually was trying to find a philosophical numeric system or a way to quantify this last one. It is so common between people that it is almost a normal way we react to things.

(the-vu Editor’s note) there has been considerable study of perspective in the field of psychology, but when someone acquires a need to consider perspective due to real and personal circumstances, it brings the concept to practical life.

Beauty Divine

Posted on by
Reply

By The Advice Diva

The quest for beauty, age defiance and physical enhancement are at an all time high. The beauty industry, comprised of simple salons to mega-corporate giants, pulls in billions of dollars annually. People are obsessed with making themselves beautiful and more attractive for their own personal satisfaction and so others can see them they want to be seen. Not only do people search for ways to enhance themselves, but they also seek beauty and attraction in other things, most notably a dating partner.

Some people might conclude that canvassing the importance of beauty in the dating world is a bit gratuitous. We all know its out there and it can even be considered nature’s cruelest form of sexual selection. You either have it or you don’t. However, I think it is a poignant topic of consideration whether you are just now entering the dating realm or you have been in it for years and whether you are male or female. Today’s society places heavy weight on good looks in the work place and in social scenes. You can’t escape it and you can not deny it. Amidst growing liberties, democracy, the abolition of racial and religious oppression and the rising demand for an open mind one would naturally assume that our advanced culture would not treat certain individuals better simply because of advantageous genetic facial features. But we all know that this is the furthest from the truth. We see it every day.

Doctor Nancy Etcoff, a faculty member of Harvard University and a psychologist at Massachusetts General Hospital, has beautifully illustrated the ageless hunt for beauty in her book Survival of the Prettiest. I was enthralled with the hundreds of references throughout history Dr. Etcoff found and adapted to the importance of beauty. One of the most interesting ones involved Eleanor Roosevelt. When asked if she had any regrets she remarked that she only wished she had been prettier. To hear a statement such as this coming from a heroine to women everywhere, it makes one want to examine why and how being beautiful or handsome plays such a dubious role in our every day lives. As Dr. Etcoff examines this very thought further in her book, I think it would be best if we just accept our idealistic qualities and move on to facing them.

When it comes down to selecting new single men and women we choose to date, our very first assessment of the potential mate is based on looks. Most people will say that they are looking for more profound qualities such as character, motivation, sensitivity, a commonality in activities, beliefs and a sense of humor and that looks, although important, are not at the top of the list. Of course everyone wants to feel as if he or she had more noble intents in mind. And although this may be true, nature tends to sway our first choice. Psychological tests upon tests show that we all gravitate towards the more attractive person at first. This is not something that we can readily help, nor can we consider it malevolent behavior. It is simply programmed into us from commercials, magazine ads, celebrities and more. It is a learned responsive behavior. While not everyone looks like Naomi Campbell or Brad Pitt and there are only a few genetic anomalies in this world who apparently represent what we all should look like, we can all take steps and measures to improve the way we look and how we appear to others. It is the very first rule in dating!

The first person you need to impress is yourself. When you look good you feel good. Take advantage of what modern science has created in the field of beauty. From getting the basic proper shampoo and conditioner for you hair to hair regrowth products and surgery, from makeup to enhance your features to elective surgery for more dramatic effects. Your wardrobe should be a priority issue as well. If you are still showing up at the door to pick up your date in those same ripped jeans you have had since the 1980′s, think about a complete wardrobe overhaul. Getting in shape is an absolute must. Not only does it show that you care about your body, it is essential for your health and it will help you to feel great physically and emotionally. The better you feel about yourself, the more confident you will appear. And confidence is a very sexy and appealing part of your overall appearance.

In her book Dr. Etcoff assumes that people, mostly men, are more attracted to beautiful people for short term relationships while beauty is less important when seeking a committed relationship. However, it is that attractive quality of sex appeal which will get you in the door. When you are just getting to know people for dating purposes such as with the use of online dating resources, your appearance is going to be one of the most compelling forces in attracting dates. Everyone wants someone to fall in love with them for the right reasons, but you can’t change basic human instinct and the natural affinity for beauty. You don’t have to be the most beautiful or most handsome person in the room, but you can take the time and effort to look the best you possibly can.

Copyright 2005 by Advice Through Experience. For more information visit

http://www.advicediva.com

For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at: thediva@advicediva.com Please visit www.advicediva.com for more articles by the Diva

Tick Tock Goes the Love Clock

Posted on by
Reply

By The Advice Diva

You wake up in the morning, still tired from staying up too late the night before, and hit snooze about seventeen times before stumbling into the shower. By the time you start rinsing the shampoo out of your stinging eyes you are already thinking about everything you have to do today. You put your makeup on in the car and get to work late as usual in desperate need of a caffeine fix, do errands at lunch, pick up your dry cleaning before the store closes after what is most likely another late day in the office, make time for tanning and an hour at the gym, and get home to a house you have to clean.

Every day is almost the same, you are busting your hump trying to get this and that done while your list of errands keeps growing. And thanks to living in an exponentially growing population in an overpopulated city you spend an obnoxious amount of time in the car giving you more time to think about everything you still need to do. By the time you get home each day, you clean a little, shovel your special diet food that you ordered online (who has time to actually shop in a store and leisurely browse anymore?) which costs a small fortune and tastes like chicken feed and crawl into bed. Then you stay up late with your mind like a maelstrom worrying about everything you did not get accomplished. When does anyone have time for a relationship?

People who live and work in the city without a significant other or children are always on the go. You might think that a single man or woman lives the life of leisure: no obligations, no pressure, just complete freedom. And I suppose that there are plenty of single men and women who just stroll home after work, order pizza and plant their tushes on the couch to watch their usual prime time television line up. But these are the people whose tushes are the same size as the couch. Hey, no ambition, no life. However, these days our lives are getting busier and busier for most people. There is so much for us to do every day. Even the singlets of this world are screaming for more time. I seriously wonder how people are able to raise children today. I know I barely have time for nookie at the end of the day.

Perhaps it is because many people living in the city go through several stages of social behaviors and desires in their lives. At first we are the struggling young professionals straight out of college, accepting a bottom of the food chain job and struggling on a $20K salary. These were the days of buying raman noodles in bulk and picking up a bartending job in the evenings. You can’t even afford to date at this age. And if you could, when would you have time? Finally you get a better paying job and you move up in the business world. But now you have entered a whole new social world. You are financially able to drop the second job, get some new digs without holes in the seams and start enjoying the night scene with everyone else.

Swiftly you discover the beau monde and your life is consumed with keeping up to date with all of the latest trends, making sure you look perfect in every way and of course making sure everyone thinks you are the “it” guy or girl. How can you possibly start a relationship now? He or she might actually find out that your not fabulous. Besides, it is much more hip to have a new fling every week. This is the period of our lives where we are all poseurs. After a few years of fun and reckless behavior, you get promoted to a more prominent position in the business world. Now you realize your responsibility and you may even take it seriously. Your life might change, but your busy schedule does not. It just gets worse.

When you actually get involved in that serious relationship, you must devote time to it. To do so, you have to give up things that you don’t necessarily want to give up. I always believed that we work so that we can have time. We buy time. We work so that we are able to luxuriate in vacations with our loved ones and so we can buy expensive lingerie to keep the spark alive. But instead of spending as much time as we can with our sweethearts, we end up spending our time washing the car, burning the flab in Pilates class, picking up the cat food and cursing the poor slob who broke down in the middle of a one lane road during rush hour.

We are so greedy and obsessed with our appearance and materialistic needs that we find it difficult to give our own time, our most precious commodity, to someone else. Then again, when we daydream about the kind of future life we want, we envision a life surrounded by family and friends, a house in the burbs, a loving spouse and children and spending the days at home being independently wealthy. We see ourselves doing what we really want and need: spending time in the arms of our darlings.

For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at: thediva@advicediva.com Please visit www.advicediva.com for more articles by the Diva

Psycho or Jealous?

Posted on by
Reply

By The Advice Diva

There are very few articles and resources addressing the topic of jealousy. I have come to the conclusion that this is merely because people don’t know what stance to take on the situation. Everyone has been on both sides of the fence. Most of us have experienced a jealous lover and many of us have been in a relationship where we curiously find ourselves being insecure and jealous by nature. On one hand you want to condemn the abhorrent behavior exhibited by jealous partners while on the other hand you might be able to sympathize. I have decided to courageously announce my decided opinion. Jealousy is just another euphemism for psychotic behavior.

Without going too far into the psychology of jealousy, you should understand that jealousy is not an innate feeling that we are all born with; rather it is a learned response that people have developed over time to deal with certain situations. We all have the ability to feel anguish and emotional sorrow, and jealousy is one way we cope with these feelings. Jealousy can rear its ugly green head at any time. You never know what will set it off. Some people can be completely at ease with one lover and insanely jealous with another lover. People have the potential to get jealous for a multitude of reasons. They might have low self esteem, have been rejected or betrayed in the past or feel insecure about their body or looks to name a few.

I would venture to say that a small amount of jealousy in any relationship is normal. It might even be considered a good thing because it shows that deep emotions are tied to this relationship. But jealousy should not be confused as a sign of love. Severe jealousy is the exact opposite of love. Emma Goldman, an early 20th century writer, claimed that Its (jealousy) one desire is to punish, and to punish as severely as possible. She was very right. There are obvious big, bright and bold lines that are crossed all too often. You have probably dated one of these line crossers; I have dated more than enough. This is when jealousy becomes apparent psychotic behavior. Your lover begins to assume that you are cheating on some level or another and you are being dishonest almost every day. Soon you get to the point where that person is doing a stake out of your home, following you around like a private eye, breaking into your email accounts, slashing your tires and smearing chocolate cake on your door (Yes, someone actually smeared cake on my door in a jealous rage). When you get to the point where you can not even say one word to a member of the opposite sex at a party because you fear the inevitable wrath which will follow from your lover when you get home, your relationship is in jeopardy.

When people exhibit these jealous rages, they are only destroying the relationship they are trying to save. People use jealousy as a legitimate weapon of defense to protect what is rightfully theirs. Jealousy attempts to prevent the annihilation of love, but it only helps it along. Experiencing these jealous rages will also further lower your self respect because it causes you to stoop to the lowest of acts. It destroys more than just the relationship. Jealousy is invariably a one-sided, bigoted accuser, convinced of his own righteousness and the meanness, cruelty and guilt of his victim. Although the jealous person wants to keep the relationship intact, the intentions of showing these acts of jealousy are to maliciously hurt the other person. Obviously, these uncontrollable acts used to salvage the relationship do not work. They only cause the other person to retaliate in disgust making the situation even worse.

So how do you deal with jealousy? That is the big question. For the insanely jealous person, the best thing you can do is recognize that your jealousy may be unfounded and then open the lines of communication. Instead of brooding on thoughts of infidelity, simply tell your lover how you are feeling as soon as you start feeling that way. You should have these feelings immediately put to ease when he or she calms your heart. You also need to stop trying to forcibly fuse your relationship into one being. The best relationships are created through the bonding of two separate individuals. If you are dealing with a jealous person whom you want to stay with and love, then you are going to have to learn not to get drawn in to these petty jealousy arguments, do not retaliate, do not take any blame, do not let the freak outs get to you when they occur and do not assume that he or she will change any time soon. To help get rid of jealous behavior you must leave all of your doors open. Meaning, you must not keep anything hidden or locked away for your love to get suspicious or distrusting over. Couples therapy, although expensive, is a viable option.

For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at: thediva@advicediva.com Please visit www.advicediva.com for more articles by the Diva

Ready For the R Word?

Posted on by
Reply

By The Advice Diva

Spring is in the air. The whole world comes alive with flowers, new life, new smells, warm weather and the discernible increase in libido of the singles crowd. Whether or not there is a direct genetic urge to mate during a specific season, everyone wants to date more in the spring. More often than not, this is the time when new love can take a hold of you and before you know it you are dancing like a cliché through puddles and singing in the rain better than Gene Kelly. This feeling of utter bliss may cause some of you to even contemplate the R word, a Relationship.

There are so many different levels that the single person may be on in their life regarding dating and relationships. The level you are on can affect your level of readiness for a relationship. For example, some singles have been serial daters for years refusing to enter a real relationship out of fear of rejection or simply because they love to be single and free of the drama and anguish which relationships may cause. Some singles have been searching for a relationship too hard and end up scaring any potential mates away with that instant cling action. Other single men and women have recently been removed from a relationship and they are on the rebound. Others still are happy being single but will gladly enter a relationship if only the perfect specimen would cross their path. And then of course some of you are thinking,  “Well, I’ve had my fill of parties, clubbing and one night stands for the past ten years, my looks are fading, I might as well start the next part of my life, get married and have kids pretty quick”.

Obviously a person needs to be in the right frame of mind and the right part of life to try and enter a relationship. You should be mature enough and old enough for a relationship. Your self esteem should be high and you should not feel as if you need a relationship to make you feel better about yourself. You should be able to take care of yourself emotionally and financially and not need to depend on your significant other to take care of you completely. You should be free from past trauma and hurt. And you should be ready to enter a relationship only when you feel you have met the right person. Finally, you should only enter a relationship if you are truly in love. If you do not fill all of the requirements above, you might want to do a little work on yourself before focusing on someone else and a relationship. And if you feel that you do embody the right stuff for a committed relationship, there are even more factors that you will want to think about.

First of all, you may be ready for a relationship, but is it even worth entering one at this point? Too many people jump straight into a relationship just because the other person is attractive and available. After only a week of dating, you both decide that you are exclusive and in a relationship. Well that is just plain silly. You are only entering this relationship because you desire that grounded sense of stability (a noble desire), but you have no idea if you are even compatible on the most basic level. Later on you break up, just one of your many relationship upsets, and your self esteem decreases just a tad as you look back on your history of repeated relationship failures. Obviously, this is not the way to go. Another issue to consider is if this person feels the same way about you as you do about him or her. You may desire to enter a relationship with this person, even though he or she is giving you those wishy washy mixed signals. Ostensibly you might believe he or she is in love with you, but your heart tells you different. If you want a successful loving relationship, you must be absolutely, positively one hundred percent sure that this person feels the same exact way about you. The relationship must be a mutual arrangement. It can not be forced or coerced in any way. Forcing a relationship will usually lead to bitter resentment later on down the road.

As a final note, some relationships do not work even when both partners are ready and the perfect conditions have been set only because one or both lovers did not realize that a real relationship needs work and compromise. This especially relates to the person who has been happily single and dating for many years. Suddenly, you have rules. You must call and check in every once in a while, make plans together, watch out not to offend the other and get over going out with the friends for every weekend, crazy party and holiday like you used to. This takes a while to get used to and if you are not prepared to make these sacrifices and compromises, you may just lose one of the best gifts you can ever receive, life long companionship.

For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at: thediva@advicediva.com Please visit www.advicediva.com for more articles by the Diva

The Victims of Fame

Posted on by
Reply

By The Advice Diva

We all have the capacity to fall for the allures of fame and fortune. Elevated from the innocent hopes of the American Dream stands the illusion of immortality which accompanies the lofty aspirations for money, power and fame. Unfortunately, fame can play a devastating role in relationships. At first, the American sucker feels the beginning euphoric effects stemming from a little bit of notoriety or large cash profits. It acts like a drug seeping deep into the veins and covering the heart and brain. After that, he only wants more. Once he, or she for that matter, has tasted the splendors of fame, he will stop at nothing to get more and to be on top. Nothing will get in his way and he is willing to sacrifice anything or anyone. The desire for recognition is so powerful that it can drive some people into depression, drugs and even insane asylums. This kind of behavior is perfectly exhibited in Hollywood as well as in mainstream corporate America and the political forum.

There are always numerous victims on any one person’s jaunt to fame. The two most important are the ones they love and themselves. They, themselves, become victim to their own lust because they happen to forget who they really are and what they really want in life. They are blinded by the riches they can have immediately and their priorities change. Infamy has shown its toll on many superstars such as Madonna. Years after she published the dirtiest coffee table book in America she was found distancing herself from the book and desiring children. So fervent was her desire to have children and a normal relationship, values which have escaped her in the past, that she actually did end up with children and managed to write a children’s book. Even with her passion for infamy there was still a side of her that sought after that conventional life with good old-fashioned values. Her return to normalcy was short-lived after her romantic kiss with Britney Spears shocked the world. Again, Madonna was clamoring for the attention from the spotlight.

The people they love are the next victims on the list. When people have money, power and fame they can buy just about anything. They can buy people, women and sex. We have seen many instances when the suddenly famous man leaves his wife of twenty years to have an elite affair with a six foot tall blond from Sweden. That story has been told since the birth of Hollywood. The fact that the powerful always seem to fall into the arms of steamy extramarital affairs is because power makes the impressionable person feel as if he can do whatever he wants. Moreover, his old values of family and home have become superseded by the overwhelming desire to achieve. Because power and success is always measured by comparison to another, it is never fully achieved and therefore a vicious cycle is created.

The sequence begins with the rich and powerful frequenting a few gentlemen’s clubs, unbeknownst to the spouse at home. It seems innocent enough. But soon, the excitement of the clubs is not enough and perhaps more money is exchanged for some sensual play. Eventually, that becomes not enough as well. From there we move on to affairs and divorces. The increasing strength and aspirations of the powerful cause him to keep searching for the BBD (bigger better deal). However, because there will always be a BBD somewhere, that person will never really be satisfied. This is why it becomes important to understand how fame and fortune affects relationships.

The problem lies with losing sight of who you really are and your values, especially concerning the relationships you have with loved ones, because you may have become obsessed with having more and more. It is honorable for people to want to achieve and have high standards. Those high standards are what make this country so fabulous. But come on back down to earth. There is no need to stomp on the little people, and a bleach blonde model thirty years younger can only look so good for so long. The relationships you are in now with loved ones are the ones that have helped you on your way to great success. In the end, they will be all you will ever need to maintain lifelong happiness.

For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at: thediva@advicediva.com Please visit www.advicediva.com for more articles by the Diva

Dominant by Day, Submissive by Night

Posted on by
Reply

By The Advice Diva

If you are like most men out there, you probably have no idea what makes those headstrong, powerful and intelligent career women “tick”. I am referring to those women you see in power suits, managing a company or running her own, who seem completely invincible and on top of the world. These women know what they want in life and they do not stop until they get it. They are fast talkers, they can close a deal with a simple wink of the eye, they can make a male subordinate cry with the slightest of disappointed looks and they will never settle for anything less than perfect sexual equality. Furthermore, I think we can all agree that these are the sexiest women out there. Men just love to imagine what they have on underneath those designer suits.

The common train of thought and logic would lead you to assume that these women are just as domineering in the bedroom behind closed doors. Generally speaking, this is actually the furthest thing from the truth. Every person out there is different with regards to their personality in life and what turns them on after hours, and there will be many variations and deviances from the norm. However, most of the fierce and passionate women in the workforce love nothing more than to come home and be completely subjugated and ravaged by a very strong and masculine man.

In all sexual relationships there must be a dominant and a submissive. Two dominants or two submissives can get together and have magnificent sexual experiences, but there will be a certain something lacking emotionally. Each one will feel less psychologically satisfied because they will not be able to express their dominant or submissive traits quite a comfortably as they should. Pop culture tends to assume that people who are submissive during sex are doing so because this is how they want to be perceived in life, they want to be dominated. Even old psychology books will back up this old principle. Fortunately, the psychology of arousal and the logic that lies behind fantasies and the roles we play during lovemaking has been virtually rewritten by Dr. Michael J. Bader, the leading psychoanalyst in this delicious area of expertise. To really sum up his new theories in a very rough manner, our sexual desires are almost the opposite of who we are in normal everyday life scenarios. His theories are applied to every sexual thought, idea and fantasy and not just dominant and subordinate behaviors. His new book made me quite hungry with dirty little thoughts.

A dominant women enjoys being submissive in bed because she is able to achieve stimulation. It is impossible to feel any kind of guilt, worry, or anxiety and become sexually aroused at the same time. Professional career women very often feel like they are too overbearing towards men, too controlling and too dominant. That causes a certain level of stress. This stress is completely alleviated by becoming the submissive during intercourse thereby allowing her to achieve stimulation. These and other new brilliant revelations have created a paradigm shift in the psychology of sex. And I think it is divine to have an in depth understanding of what makes the other person scream with hot blooded delight.

Of course, every individual will have a specific dirty little secret which turns them on and no two women are the same. This article applies to many strong business women, but not all. It becomes important to discuss what makes you turned on with your lover or find a reciprocal partner. But now many of you men know our dirty little secret. If you are the type of man who enjoys a dominant woman, the same logic applies to the quiet little librarian with the cat eyeglasses on. She just might be a dom-femme complete with a torture chamber in her home where she can break her male slaves. And don’t forget ladies, this same idea applies to men!

For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at: thediva@advicediva.com Please visit www.advicediva.com for more articles by the Diva

Feng Shui Your Love Pad

Posted on by
Reply

By The Advice Diva

What began centuries ago in China as a way of interpreting the natural world to create more efficient agricultural systems and even study astronomy to understand the passage of time is an age old institution named Feng Shui. Through the ages feng shui (pronounced Fung Shway) has evolved due to superstition and folklore into a belief system with five distinct components: Wealth, Health, Fame, Career and Love.

By understand the basics, we can control these areas of our lives by choosing meaningful symbols and images which are related to these areas and placing these objects in very specific areas of the house. The key principal here is that everything is connected energetically which means that your thoughts, feelings and behavior are influenced by your surroundings. Feng Shui masters have got this down to an art form.

There are so many details and specifics of feng shui that I would highly recommend getting a book on it for your own knowledge and because it is so fascinating. What is interesting enough is that I found it to be very similar to the Wicca beliefs that are practiced in the west. There are many people who swear by the benefits of Feng Shui in the home.

Let’s get down to the fun part. You can Feng Shui your house for love. Turn that pad into the love shack to attract love, keep love going strong and keep the sex drive on high gear in the bedroom. What you want to do here is create good chi (good energy) and get rid of any sha chi (harmful energy).

The area of your house that represents your love life is the southwest corner of your home. According to the experts, if this corner has good chi, the marriage or love aspirations of the home dwellers will be positively energized but if it has bad chi, let’s just say that you won’t be getting any for a while; and that is putting it nicely according to these experts. The element that represents love is Earth and so putting a rock, crystal or boulder in the southwest corner of your home you will activate this good chi.

Finally you need to energize this earth element with other objects in the love corner. These objects can be crystal (Rose Quartz is suggested), large and round decorative pots and jars, peacock feathers, silk or real flowers, a globe, a symbol of the sun, a Chinese love knot made of red rope which symbolizes undying love, love birds in a pair but never single or ducks in a pair but never single, rose oil and two pink or red candles burning which is known as the “tantric twins”. All of these objects have ties with the earth element but you do not have to use all of them.

It is also said that wood is a harmful element to the earth element so no wood should be here. No dried flowers as well because it could signify the death of a romantic relationship. And just in case you are planning to buy a new house or rent a new apartment, there should be no kitchen or bathroom in the southwest corner of the house. If there is a bathroom, use plants to drown out the sha chi but a kitchen is a bigger problem since a kitchen in this area symbolizes infidelity on either side.

The bedroom can also be worked on. It should be well lit instead or dark and dreary. There should be no plants in the bedroom because plants will bring excess yang (male) energies to the bedroom which could increase his libido and cause a wandering and lustful eye towards younger women. There should be no TV’s and no mirror by the bed as they cause an intrusion within a relationship. Hang a rose quartz crystal over the southwest corner of your bed. When looking for love, feng shui-ists say a man should decorate with more yin (femininity) in mind while a female should decorate with more yang. This causes a healthy balance and will attract the opposite sex.

For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at: thediva@advicediva.com Please visit www.advicediva.com for more articles by the Diva

The Independent Woman and the Metrosexual Man

Posted on by
Reply

By The Advice Diva

A lot of people are starting to wonder why dating in the big city has suddenly become such a perplexing and complicated experience. And when, exactly, did this happen? The dating scene has always been a little troublesome for some people and could even feel like more of a chore than what should be a fun time. But lately the single jungle of Houston and other large cities are changing and evolving into more complex designs of mass confusion. We seem to be moving faster and faster into complete chaos rather than assimilating into the well preserved roles that our mothers and fathers laid out for us.

Gender roles are changing and this is the basic concept that is generally holding many of us back from entering successful relationships. More and more people are remaining single for longer periods of time. Part of this is because we are finding it difficult to accept and understand the new gender roles of our mates, even if we, ourselves, are holding to those new standards.

The roles of women have gone through the most dramatic changes. They have changed more in the last two generations than in the last two millenniums. Due to mass media, urbanization and politics, women have achieved equality to men in education and the workplace and everywhere else you look. And thanks to the sexual revolution, we have freed our minds. Women are now able to support themselves and raise their own children without the help of a man, thus escaping the traditional role of “mother” and “wife”. Our new found independence is something we fear giving back. The independent woman does not want to be controlled or told what to do. She will never again be the docile little lamb once sought after for marrying purposes.

This change in the lives of women in large cities has led to a second major change, this one in men. Men have moved from being the gruff, rugged males to becoming “metrosexual” (a term coined by gay journalist Mark Simpson). Men have started to take over some of the duties that women had always controlled. There are women working alongside these men in the office. And thanks to sexually homogenous advertising, the meterosexual has been created. This new male breed has matching ensembles for every occasion, never has a bad hair day, loves manicures and smells like roses. He has no problem shopping, attending the opera and buying new shoes. The metrosexual is completely in touch with his feminine side but there is just one thing: he is straight.

Suddenly, the roles that we are used to having our mates fill are no longer being filled. The metrosexual is now asking why he has to pay for every date, open doors and pick a woman up at her door since the women are now so independent and financially equal. Yet these men still secretly yearn for that woman who will do the housework and raise the children just like mom did. The independent woman has become too afraid to give back that independence she worked so hard for only to begin relying more on a man than herself. Why should she when the danger still lies of being tossed aside one day? Yet, in her heart, she also desires the manly man who will sweep her off of her feet and take away all of her problems, just like her daddy once did.

We have now entered what appears to be a never ending cycle that can only be broken by trust. The once praised nuclear family with the hard working father and stay at home mother is slowly dissipating. From now on, men and women will be taking on more equal roles in relationships and families. The question is: when will we become comfortable enough to let it happen?

For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at: thediva@advicediva.com Please visit www.advicediva.com for more articles by the Diva

Claws In The Floor

Posted on by
1

By S.D. Craig…….
or is it by her dog Nikki?

S.D.Craig responds to the article in Dinky Dog and Me

Don’t make me do it.  I’m a dog.  Name’s Nikki.

I’m here to tell you all, I don’t want to go these places SHE takes me.  I am content to lie on my butt, growing wider and surveying life at large from the couch.  Yeah, that’s a pun.  So what?  Like I said, I’m a dog, not a writer.

A Pomeranian to be specific.  At 11 lbs. 4 oz., I’m a furball and a spitfire.  Well, I used to be a spitfire before a certain “ahem” operation a few years back.  Now, I’ve become like a smoker gone bad, quit the habit but gained weight.  Yes, you know the type.  Always excuses.  Need I say more?

However, I do feel adored, if not left behind one time too many on the weekends around this place.  HE pets me and lets me lick his hands and talks to me in that special voice.  You know the one.

“Oh, you’re such a dog.  Such a dog,” as he pets my belly and scratches me in all the right places.  He calls me funny names and, come to think of it, they each have their own set of these names for moi.  To her I’m female ones like Snickerdoodle, Nikkipoo, Nik (when she’s a bit tense that time of month.  HE calls me really weird ones like Dogster, OHyou’reAdog and Dogsbreath.

SHE has a hissy fit if I lick.  She likes to be clean and showers twice a day.  Shhh, don’t tell her I said so.  I must be precious and cute because SHE buys me expensive food and then, need I mention, takes me to the groomer once a month where I need it or not.  I’d rather the OR NOT part.

Claws in the floor.  That’s me.  I don’t like visiting sterile places, with slick shiny floors and antiseptic-smelling devices and computers.  SHE’s got a computer at home and that’s enough for me to get sick about.  That’s another dog tale.  Later.

But when it comes to visiting the bath place or the vet, I stick those claws out and down hard.  Still trying to figure out why they don’t work like ABS brakes on a Subaru, though.  Somehow, I’m always going where I don’t want to go.  I wish SHE’d take the hint.  SHE never takes me to, say the pool when she swim laps, where I could feast my lovely brown eyes on some little Poodle FeFe, or to the market, where I can sniff new foods and pick up bits on the floor.

Someone needs to warn this woman.  Dogs CAN run away.  Claws or not.

Signed,

Clawed In San Diego

SD Craig is a freelance writer and editor of LovingYourCurves.com and was given the nickname “Chatterbox” by fellow writers. At age fifty, Craigs Southern flair and sense of humor give her plenty to write about with a rapier wit and a wacky outlook. Her articles on body image (her biggest passion), marriage/divorce and relationships, family, friends, career issues, computers, the Internet, horses, baseball, movie reviews and writing tips remind one of Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry. A freelance writer who once juggled five columns then got real, Craig welcomes your e-mails and feedback on her articles. Drop her a hello at sdcraig922@yahoo.com or stop by www.lovingyourcurves.com.

Male Version of the Truth

Posted on by
Reply

By S.D. Craig

I really never thought of myself as a dumb woman. I’ve been told I’m intelligent, quick and fast with my wit. Sharp, one might say. If I’m so sharp, there are some things that still don’t come out clearly in my mind.

A man might admit to you he doesn’t care for thin women. Or fake breasts. Or dyed blonde hair. Right? He wants or admires a real woman, curvy, cuddly, and voluptuous on her own. And I completely understand that, admire that opinion, in fact. Until I’m walking with that same man and see his head pivot like an owl when Miss-Plastic-Parts- Toothpick-Blonde-Tan-Woman struts by.

What is it about blondes with boobs and tans that make grown men act like 16-year old horndogs? And don’t men know how humiliating it is to be with even a male friend (whom you’re not romantically involved with) who does this as a regular habit? I’ve been in the midst of a conversation when Miss Plastic Parts walks by in a grocery store cooler aisle. She’s cold. What man would miss noticing those headlights (as they love to refer to them as)? Revolve in a tight circle just drooling over this same woman he’s described as unacceptable to him. All the while, here we are left standing watching the whole thing, ignored in mid-sentence.

Don’t tell me a woman can’t whack a man good. I’ve thought of it.

What then, is the male version of the truth? If it’s true big boobs aren’t everything, blondes aren’t IT, and thin isn’t in, well, we women deserve some explanations then. Put six gals in bikinis with equal enough endowments and make only one of them blonde, and which one will get the nod on a TV beer commercial? You guessed right. Don’t even ask me to turn on “The Man Show,” honey. I don’t go there.

Oh and I have long argued that if women can be so exposed in magazines and TV and the movies, why can’t men? Yet count the times you’ve seen a real naked man on a movie. Ho hum. And when there was one, he wasn’t worth the looking. (Sorry, Donald Sutherland and Harvey Keitel). Really, we need more female movie directors, that much is obvious.

To believe what a man says about the opposite sex, I’d have to be convinced and that would take some doing. I’ve been around long enough to see their heads spin, their eyes bulge, their breathing quicken. And if I don’t hear something that sounds logical and really genuine out of their mouths soon, I’ll teach them how to use a baseball bat. Just you wait.

SD Craig is a freelance writer and editor of LovingYourCurves.com and was given the nickname “Chatterbox” by fellow writers. At age fifty, Craigs Southern flair and sense of humor give her plenty to write about with a rapier wit and a wacky outlook. Her articles on body image (her biggest passion), marriage/divorce and relationships, family, friends, career issues, computers, the Internet, horses, baseball, movie reviews and writing tips remind one of Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry. A freelance writer who once juggled five columns then got real, Craig welcomes your e-mails and feedback on her articles. Drop her a hello at sdcraig922@yahoo.com or stop by www.lovingyourcurves.com.

7-Letter Bad Word

Posted on by
Reply

By S.D. Craig……. or is it by her dog Nikki?

So, what are you looking at? Yeah, I know I look funny. Just got back in from the groomer. It’s the 7-letter bad word for dogs. Just ask George Carlin about bad words. He taught me a few others when I was younger. Back when I was just a pup. I got a hold of some others from listening to his old albums when SHE and HE leave the house.

I’d like to know what the big deal is about smelling good, having your hair trimmed just so, clipping your nails. Then let’s talk about the silly little bandana about my neck or, when they forget I’m male, the bow perched on my perky little head. That stuff is downright humiliating, not to mention it falls into my water dish. Drags around after that getting dirty under my neck. Good grief. And dog perfume? Come on. Be serious. I smell just fine the way I am. Why do you think I roll in everything I see?

SHE doesn’t have a clue how awful the day spent at the groomer is. Shh. Don’t even say the word out loud. THEY might send me back for another visit. Have you ever seen what they do to a dog? They hitch up your groin with a strap like you’re a fish in a net, just barely letting those back feet touch the ground. This is so’s you can’t escape while they trim you in various places. I stand perfectly still, or hang perfectly still. I don’t want that lady missing with those blades. You know what’s down there, don’t you? Uh huh.

When we arrive, I often scramble with my paws on the slippery floor and try to escape out the front door. I pretend I must pee. I hit the familiar patch of grass like it’s a savior of dog’s souls. My brain rushes to figure out what to do to get away from HER. From that 7-letter bad word. Groomer. Don’t make me go, please, please, I won’t spill my food on the carpet when you vacuum, or chew the treats in front of the TV. I won’t sniff the inside of the car’s windows either. Honest.

It’s not worth the bone I get when I’m done being tortured. That woman tosses me one when I depart. Well, that’s not fair. She doesn’t toss it. Yet I deserve the whole box of bones for what she’s put me through. You see, my coat is so nice I have to be hand-scissored. This takes forever and lots of patience on my part. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hard work for the groomer too, but frankly, I don’t give a damn. I want out.

I don’t like cussing but things like this get a dog’s dander up. I’d put up with a vet trip and a shot before I would waltz into the groomer’s shop on purpose.

Bad word. Bad word. I just know I’m going to have nightmares tonight. Twitch and twist and turn and moan. I’ve heard HIM do it.

Somehow, dogs must get together and fill out a petition to stop this kind of treatment. We deserve featherbeds and cuddly sweaters and petting. It shouldn’t matter that we don’t bathe. That our hair grows long and raggedy. That…

Oh all right, make the appointment. Next month. I’ve got thirty days to dread it and cuss.

About the writer:

SD Craig is a freelance writer and editor of LovingYourCurves.com and was given the nickname “Chatterbox” by fellow writers. At age fifty, Craig’s Southern flair and sense of humor give her plenty to write about with a rapier wit and a wacky outlook. Her articles on body image (her biggest passion), marriage/divorce and relationships, family, friends, career issues, computers, the Internet, horses, baseball, movie reviews and writing tips remind one of Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry. A freelance writer who once juggled five columns then got real, Craig welcomes your e-mails and feedback on her articles. Drop her a hello at sdcraig922@yahoo.com or stop by www.lovingyourcurves.com.

Post-Divorce Etiquette

Posted on by
Reply

By Lauri Jean Crowe

You’ve made it through the divorce. You don’t want to see another courtoom, judge or lawyer for the rest of your life. Most likely you don’t want to see your ex either. But, if you have children together the chances are you will see your ex-husband or wife at least twice every other week for pick up and drop of off those children. So, how do you behave?

If you’re like approximately 50% of other divorcees out there, you may slip back into bed with your ex on some occasion. Hopefully you eventually get over with this bump in the road and move on with your life. Baby steps. So, what kind of guidelines should you follow when you have to meet one another for your children’s sake?

First off, set guidelines. If you have an amenable relationship with your prior spouse, you can iron these out together. Otherwise, set guidelines for your own behavior and don’t break them even if he or she eggs you on. The foremost thing is to always remember why you are there – to exchange the children and give updates on their needs. The next thing to remember is that those little sweethearts have eyes and ears and you are the most intriguing fish in the bowl.

Let your actions and your words be civil and to the point. Do not yell at your ex, or show anger. Don’t give in to the desire to pick fights or argue. Present a cool but companiable façade for your kids so they know they are loved, and that you are caring for their best interest. The situation is not about mom and dad, but about them. Your children will remember this and even if you feel like you’re holding your tongue too much, they will appreciate and come to respect you in the years to come.

Have the children ready when your ex comes to get them. Do not invite your ex into the home, but rather walk the children to the door with their things and help them into the car if appropriate. Kiss or hug them goodbye. Tell them you love them, and assure them that you will be there when they come back home. This is especially important if you have small children who can feel a sense of abandonment. Don’t forget that they went through the divorce too, and have all sorts of conflicting emotions.

Be there on time when it is time to exchange the children. Your promptness will go a long way to keeping the visitation times civil. If your ex does not show up on time, wait patiently. Don’t accuse or belittle when they do arrive. Rather keep that same coolness, and state that you really need him or her to be prompt. This goes for pickup times too. Don’t use the opportunity to make your ex look bad in front of your kids. Children are smart and they will figure it out for themselves. Besides, if you really feel the need to bitch you can call your ex later and let them know how you really feel. But, I’d advise against it – that way you are letting your ex control the situation.

Obviously, life has extremes and these easy to say but hard to enact guidelines won’t fit every situation. However, having done a bit of trial and error over the last year since my own divorce I’ve found that civil, and at a distance are two of the best ways to handle my ex. It keeps things level, there is no room for misunderstanding and the situation is businesslike rather than a feudal war.

You’ve made it through the divorce. Now, its’ your time to grieve and move on, but it is also your time to shine as a parent and help your children make it through the divorce too. Life requires sacrifices, but our children shouldn’t be the ones in the line of fire. Do what you so often tell them to do. Behave.

Lauri Jean Crowe is a freelance writer known for such diverse topics as dreams, sexuality, gardening, health and parenting. She is a freelance writer, artist and designer living in Michigan, USA.

Pole Dancing 101

Posted on by
3

Pole Dancing 101
Sheila Kelley’s School for Bedroom Strippers
See below for writer credit

Sheila Kelley

Sheila Kelley

Sexy actress Sheila Kelley once wrapped them up in legal jargon on the 80s hit courtroom drama LA Law, these days she’s more likely to be found wrapping her legs around a pole like a stripper. And what’s more she’s teaching others how to do it. In her back garden studio of her plush Hollywood home, Kelley, 37, twists and spins around the pole like a professional, teaching her mixed age group of female students how to copy her elegant, yet erotic moves.

Kelley first became interested in stripping while studying for film roles. This fascination eventually evolved into the gritty stripper movie ‘Dancing at the Blue Iguana’, which Kelley produced and starred in along side Daryl Hannah and Jennifer Tilly. During the filming, Kelley immersed herself into the seedy life of strip clubs during which she learnt dancing techniques and tricks from real strippers. “Having had the dancer background, I took to it very easily and very well. Never in my life have I been in better shape.”

Daryl Hannah at the Blue Iguana

Daryl Hannah at the Blue Iguana

“Women come to the class terrified, like I did, but also compelled. There was just something, from the very first time I saw a stripper in a strip club I was hooked.” Kelley says who during the making of ‘Dancing at the Blue Iguana’ paid strippers to teach her their sexy dance moves.

Kelley certainly doesn’t look like a stripper sat in comfortable sweats, her look is more that of a slim and attractive Hollywood mum-next-door. When performing elaborate tricks on the pole, twisting and spinning like a topsy-turvy ice-skater, Kelley adds a touch of class that makes her act seem almost wholesome.

The thought of teaching it to others came to her while stripping for her husband, Richard Schiff, who plays Toby Ziegler, a sharp tongued Communications Director on award winning series about life in the White House – West Wing, Kelley and Schiff have two children, ages 7 and 1 and a half. “It struck me how unbelievably empowering it was for me to dance for my husband alone,” she says. “Simultaneously, you become your most open, your most vulnerable and your most powerful.”

Schiff says men are bug-eyed with envy when they find out his pretty wife, likes to strip for him. He says he has also discerned a difference in female friends who have taken her classes. “It has changed their marriages, and it’s changed the way they walk through life. There’s a centered kind of sensuality in them that might have been fighting to get through before,” he says. “Then there’s just the fun they have. They’re always howling and screaming back here. I’m playing with the kids, and then I hear this hooting and hollering, and I think, ‘Man, I want to be back there. What am I doing changing diapers?

“I probably got pregnant after a lap dance,” Kelley adds, “There’s a way to spice up your marriage.” Now Kelley teaches four 90 minute classes of her ‘Stripping for Everyday Women class’ a week. Yet the lessons aren’t designed to turn her students who are mostly upper-middle class actresses / friends ranging in age from 24 to 57, into strippers to take the stages of the seedy strip clubs on Sunset. Kelley wants stripping out of the clubs and into the master bedroom. “What I am doing is taking that beautiful art form of erotica out of a decadent place and bringing it to women as an empowering tool,” explains Kelley. One student, who preferred to stay anonymous, claimed the classes give married women a renewed sense of sex appeal. “Women my age, housewives and mothers, aren’t prepared to say, ‘Look at me, aren’t I gorgeous?’ It’s embarrassing,” said the actress and mother, who is in her 50s. “The class is incredibly embarrassing and brings out all of your insecurities. And yet, you’re dying to do it.”

“I’ve taken the best elements from all the different types of dance I have studied over the years, and created my own movement technique. It’s a 40 minute warm up flow, getting the body moving in a more feminine way, in a more curvaceous way, and after that we do pole work and each person does a routine.”

“I’ve never been able to act sexy in a movie. I was playing romantic parts and everything, but that was an area where I just felt foolish, totally foolish,” another student says. “Sheila’s very supportive and wonderful. She eggs you on and keeps saying, ‘Oh, powerful move, powerful move,’ and screaming out how beautiful everyone is. And she means it.”

The classes aren’t designed to titillate the women’s partners, that’s a bonus factor, the classes are to help women feel sexy and confident in themselves without relying on men or anyone else to make them feel that way. These sisters are doing it for themselves!

“It’s a really beautiful bonding experience. The women move from beginners, to intermediate to advanced together, so they develop this incredible bond and trust. There is just this unspoken camaraderie” says Kelley, “If you are scared, I’ll get up there and do it with you. I’ll be right next to you talking in your ear.”

“Allowing your body to move the way it wants to move naturally, being overtly sexual without apology, gives these women and myself an enormous sense of satisfaction,” Kelley continues to explain.

Kelley claims the classes not only make women feel more confident about themselves sexually but also about their bodies. “It helps them own their body no matter what. One woman thought she had a big butt and as she turned around from the last third of the dance, she had to walk back, she went ‘oh no they are going to see my big butt’ and then she claimed it, she went ‘yeah! They are looking at my big ass’. You could see it in her moves! It was a beautiful moment. She didn’t give a damn!”

“The most erotic dancer I ever saw was a 250 pound Jewish girl wearing braces who as she got up to dance, she just floated. She was a real stripper. I was awestruck, dumbfounded by her beauty. This is when I realized that it doesn’t matter what you look like it’s about how you move your body. She was a big girl, but when those hips moved the men were riveted. She was beautiful for those few moments,” explains Kelley.

“Women have such erotic power. We don’t use it because we are scared. We are told ‘bad girls do that’. ‘It’s nasty to move your hips like that’, ‘you’re a slut’ ‘you’re a whore’. I want to blow those days out of the water.” Kelley says.

Judging by the popularity of her program since it started in May, last year women want to blow that image out of the water as well. Kelley teaches lap and pole dancing to classes of 6 – 10 women of ‘all shapes and sizes’ a week each paying $50 for a 90 minute class. The waiting list is growing so fast that Kelley is looking for rented space to accommodate bigger classes and there is talk of doing a video to reach others.

Kelley’s classes may indicate that in the new millennium another sexual tabbo is being brought into the mainstream. Hollywood has recently made strippers the theme of films like Showgirls and Demi Moore’s Striptease. Crunch gyms in Los Angeles started cardio striptease classes as favored by ex-Baywatch beauty Carmen Electra. The classes proved so successful that sessions are now being offered at Crunch clubs in New York and Miami. Sexy actress/model Pamela Anderson, who has a stripper pole in her bedroom, recently announced she might give up acting to strip onstage during her boyfriend Kid Rock’s rock concerts.
Kelley has no plans to return to acting in the immediate future and won’t be staring in a movie reunion for L.A Law, which is being planned for the American network NBC’s 75th anniversary. Kelley won’t be starring in the special one off reunion show of the groundbreaking drama about the lives loves and courtroom battles of Los Angeles lawyers as it will only star first season cast members, Kelley joined in the third.

“I had an opportunity to do a pilot this year and I just wasn’t into it. I don’t get the incredibly satisfaction of giving something to somebody when I am acting these days that I get from what I am doing. This is so rewarding. I feel like it really transforms people, it really changes people’s lives for the better. I’ve got the most touching phone calls in the middle of the night from women genuinely choked up with emotion, saying ‘how can I thank you? I am a different human being, I walk through the world like a different person’. I don’t get that from acting. But I do think I will eventually get back to acting, I love to act.”

“I did not say I wanted to become a stripping teacher. This all just happened,” Kelley says. “I know how powerful I feel when I do it. I know how sexy I feel. I know how beautiful I look to me and to my husband, and that’s all that matters.”

Five ways to bring out the pole dancer in you!

1. Invest in some sassy outfits that would be fit to grace the stages of Stringfellows – if you look sexy you’ll feel sexy too! With the Internet you can shop from the privacy of your own home at discreet sites like: www.annsummers.com

2. Set the mood with some appropriate music. Kelley uses everything from Kid Rock to Jah Rule.

3. Keep eye contact with your partner as you dance. Looking at the floor is another of Kelley’s tips.

4. Learn in the comfort and security of your own home with a video on exotic dancing by Fawina a former exotic dancer from: www.exoticdanceschool.com

5. Create yourself an alter ego – swap your Mary Poppins prudishness’ for a more daring persona – developing a steamy new you will help you shed your inhibitions and leave you free to do anything you want.

Sheila Kelley can be found and contacted via her website at http://www.sfactor.com

The writer of this article comes to the-vu courtesy of the Splash News and Picture Agency. Due to too many weird emails, we have removed her name.

Just Say No to Love

Posted on by
Reply

By Katharine Miller

Love. I want to talk about this certain four-letter word. A word that is potentially dangerous and can have serious repercussions upon using it. Some of you may have heard about it or seen it on television. Some of your parents may have been in love. You may have already been in love yourself.

Now television shows and movies want us to believe love is groovy, swell, “da bomb.” Hollywood has glamorized it for us. Love is beautiful, love is grand, love can make the world go ’round. Michael Bolton says that love is a wonderful thing and can make you smile through the pouring rain. But who’s going to trust a man who has bad hair?

Tune out the hype and listen up. Love is a full-time addiction. Oh, it starts out small with a seemingly harmless crush. But soon, you’re hooked and looking for something stronger. You’re enamored, lustful, and filled with desire, leading up to the hardest drug of all: l’amour. And boy, can it be dangerous. Look at Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde, or any couple on the Jerry Springer show.

Love can happen at any time, in any place, but it most commonly occurs in the spring. Mr. or Ms. Wonderful enters your life and it begins. You discover that you enjoy the same type of music and motion pictures. You find your special Celine Dion song on the jukebox at the local diner. Things are going great and there is a great deal of swooning and baby talk. But soon, he needs more. She needs a commitment. You’re lost in a moment and it slips out. “I love you.” And it’s such a rush to say it. You say it again followed by empty promises of forever. You believe in it, like the tooth fairy or Santa Claus or that the Cubs will win the World Series.

You’ll find yourself latched onto a person and losing interest in other things, like eating, bathing or working. Sure, it’s great at first, like any high. But soon you find yourself in a loop of questions. “Where is he? What’s she doing? Who’s he with? Will he call me today? What will we do tonight? Does she love me as much as I love her? Will he always love me? Will I get laid?” This is often followed by unexplainable rashes, nausea, and a host of very annoyed friends.

It causes you to do things you wouldn’t ordinarily do, like serenade a woman outside her apartment building on a moonlit night, leave the toilet seat down, or rummage through bargain basements searching for Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits.

Love has been the leading cause of marriages, making out in parked cars, suicides, and bad poetry by 13 year-old girls. But even armed with the knowledge of the side effects, people still insist upon falling in love. And no rehab clinic or 12-step program can cure it. So my mission, and I do choose to accept it, is to prevent love from spreading further and causing even more damage.

Therefore, I propose the “Just Say No to Love” campaign. Make the youngsters aware of love and its harmful side effects, frightening pitfalls, and dangers. Together, we can save some lives and restore some semblance of sanity to the world. If you or someone you know has the following symptoms: loss of appetite, sleeplessness, glazed-over eyes, aloofness, and a fondness for Michael Bolton music, they may be in love. Act quickly, get help, and just say no.

Katharine Miller has been published on several websites including Relationship101.com, Hotspots.com, and CurableRomantic.com

Looks vs. Personality

Posted on by
Reply

By Katharine Miller

In this corner, weighing heavily on the subconscious, the guy with the great sense of humor, it’s Mr. Personality.

His opponent and to the right is light on his feet and easy on the eyes. Here’s Prince Charming himself, Mr. Looks.

Who’s going to this battle? With the Beholder acting as referee, it’s a toss-up. If this were pro wrestling, they’d both be fakes and you be screwed either way.

Studies conducted by women’s magazines over the years reveal that women are in favor of personality. A good sense of humor will surely win the heart of a good woman. But who here has ever spotted a man across the room and said, “Hey, look at the sense of humor on that one” besides me? Perhaps these women are keeping the future in mind, when she hopes her man will be amused rather than disgusted by the gravitational pull on her breasts. More likely, the editors of these magazines are aware of the male readership and want to make them feel adequate. Men are generally less concerned about the future and more concerned about the outcome.

Jules in Pulp Fiction said it best when he stated that personality goes a long way. Of course, this followed a bacon eating debate and may not be pertinent to this article. Looks do fade, but you’re stuck with your personality forever. And women hope that it’s a good one.

Now we’ve established that women crave substance. Let’s be honest, with that biological clock ticking, personality may not be the substance girls are necessarily looking for. A woman who’s looking to conceive a child may be less picky about her suitor’s appearance as long as he’s in good working order. Those of us who are not likely to marry or bear children are free to seek out other qualities such as money, fame, looks, or sterility.

Take a look at men’s magazines and the tables are turned. While studies may be altered to make men feel more adequate, the photos in men mags give women complexes about their looks. With the airbrushed, plastic girls posed in the pictures, one might believe that men have impossibly high ideals of how a woman should look. The ideals can usually be reduced to blonde, chesty, and a willingness to believe he’s the greatest man that ever lived. These ideals will be thrown out the window for anything resembling the female form and willing to put out. Especially if it’s Friday night and large quantities of alcohol are involved.

It’s a well known fact that men are visually driven beasts, but not all of them are after one night stands. After lust at first sight, men need something to keep them hanging around. If you don’t know any knock-knock jokes or amusing anecdotes, good cooking skills work in a pinch. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, of course. And he thinks with his penis. Man, you thought girls were complicated.

As with everything, there are some exceptions. It’s all a matter of taste, I guess. So, what’s more important: personality or looks? Neither and both. Practice good hygiene, read a few books, and pray that luck is on your side. If you feel yourself drawn to someone, chalk it up to chemistry. Or anatomy. Or biology. And try not to dissect your date before you get to first base.

Katharine Miller has been published on several websites including Relationship101.com, Hotspots.com, and CurableRomantic.com

Encouragement

Posted on by
Reply

By Rinatta Paries

A man walks down the street and falls into a hole.
A man walks down the street, sees the hole and falls in to it.
A man walk down the street, sees the hole, and walks around it.
A man walks down a different street.
~Source Unknown

Relationships are kind of like that. Knowing what the “hole” is, knowing that what you are doing is not bringing your desired results gets you only that: knowledge. Knowledge is good. It’s better than being unconscious. But can you, on your own, walk down a different street? What does it take to walk down a different street when it comes to your relationships?

Given that our relationship patterns are subconscious, deeply rooted and second nature, it may take someone other than you to identify your patterns. In order to make a radical difference in the way you relate, you literally need to see your own life through someone else’s eyes.

In a society where most of us practice the “I can do it myself” philosophy, it is difficult to allow others to look at and help you with your life. Asking for help carries a stigma. The voice in your head says, “You can do this yourself. You can read books. But don’t you dare request guidance from another person.”

On the other hand, we are in the information age. Information is power. That is, information that is applied to consistent action with passion is power. Information that sounds good with no action on your part is more stuff to beat yourself up with.

More than a decade ago, I realized the way my relationships were going would not get me what I wanted. I decided I needed help from those who know what works, and who were doing something different than I was. I proceeded to read all of the books on the market about relationships. Then I got involved in every workshop that came my way. I put aside my considerations about money and time. I let go of my fear that I might be learning from frauds. I stopped  doubting and started to allow the process of participation to shape and alter who I was. I was very committed to shifting the way I approached relationships.

To me, there was nothing more important. It was not about my ability to FIND a relationship, but my ability to HAVE a healthy, vibrant relationship that became my focus. As a result, I now have the type of relationship that feeds my soul. I have a truly loving, present partner who adores me and whom I adore.

If you want a relationship that fits your ideal, your heart’s desire, I suggest you proceed on the same path. Learn from people who have what you want. Actively apply it and make your transformation your passion. Then the ideal relationship you want will come into your life.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002     This article was originally published by Rinatta Paries in the Relationship Coach Newsletter, one of many relationship resources found at www.WhatItTakes.com. Other highlights include relationship advice, quizzes, relationship coaching and classes. Become a True Love Magnet(TM)!

Your Place or Mine?

Posted on by
Reply

By Katharine Miller

This is it. You found him through the personal column, you dated, he called, and you uttered the forbidden phrase. Now it’s time for the next big step. No, not that step. Instead of breaking up, you’ve mutually decided to cohabit.

We’re not talking about the dreaded “M” word that men (and some women) flee for the hills at mere mention. We’re talking living together. You know, not actually buying the cow, just sharing expenses and sleeping space with the cow. (Note: it’s better if you don’t refer to her as “the cow” or else you’ll be reading one of the other columns and back to the personal ads.)

This is the point where you must make crucial decisions. I mean beyond the obvious “yours, mine, or ours” debate. You must decide what stuff follows you to your new home. You have to ask yourself “Is it time to throw out my favorite pair of underwear? The pair I’ve had since high school.” You’re forced to consider where your collection of Matchbox cars will be displayed among her collection of porcelain angels. Skeletons must come out of the closet (and if you’re both science teachers or Goth enthusiasts, it can become part of the decorating motif).

Regardless of whose place will become the official residence, you have to find a good hiding place for the porn and old love letters. The last thing you want is to come home from a long day with your lover knee deep in magazines crying with X-rated videos in the VCR. And who really wants to hear “Why didn’t you tell me that Bob used to call you pookie-snookums? I thought that was your special name for me.”

In fact, there should be a few notes that you take on your prospective living partner before staking out your first drawer.

Some points to ponder:

1. Toilet paper- over or under. This can be a crucial point during middle of the night calls from nature.

2. The fridge- fully stocked or lone box of baking soda. Check the milk’s expiration date. Unless he’s a scientist, that’s not an experiment. She may not eat much in restaurants, but if there’s 3 boxes of ding dongs in the cupboard, that may be why.

3. Closets- organized or disheveled. If the hangers are empty and you can’t see the floor, it may mean more work for you.

It’s also good to inspect any decaying matter, funny smells, or muffled screaming that you may encounter.

If you’re still hell-bent on combining your IKEA furniture and milk crates, it must be love.

Living together can be mutually rewarding, if you look at it that way. Expenses are split, you’ve got an automatic date, and you can blame the funny smells on someone else. There are the negative points, though. More hair clogging the drain, twice the dirty laundry, and he can blame the funny smells on you. Also, you can’t bring home your one-night stands anymore.

If you have embarked on the journey into cohabitation, God speed fair warrior. Just be sure to save those boxes because there’s no way she’s going to let you keep your toy cars on the shelves.

Katharine Miller has been published on several websites including Relationship101.com, Hotspots.com, and CurableRomantic.com

Taking Action

Posted on by
Reply

By Rinatta Paries
Published December 2001

“Right” action defined:

Taking the right action is what feels right according to your own heart and intuition-not anyone else’s standards. To distinguish the right action from a “should,” use the following rule of thumb: a should may feel dull, certainly unexciting. The right action, according to your heart, always feels freeing and energizing.

Have you ever really wanted something, identified what to do in order to get it, and yet never took the necessary action? This happens to all of us occasionally-whether trying to lose weight, better manage finances, improve relationships, etc.

When it comes to taking action, people are often held back from progress by a number of myths. Take a look at the following six myths to see if any are barriers to your progress, and learn how you can get past them to move forward in your life.

Myth 1:
Simply thinking about the right action will magically create change

Some people get stuck in the thinking stage and mistake it for action. It is a fallacy that keeping the thoughts alive will automatically accomplish the goal. Discover the right action and take it.

Example: Mary spends a lot of time thinking and trying to figure out all aspects of her troubled relationship. She is still thinking, and still in a troubled relationship.

On the contrary, Susan enrolled in a seminar to learn communication skills and applies them on an ongoing basis. Her relationship has greatly improved as a result.

Myth 2:
Discussing a problem will be enough to create the solution

While it’s true that discussing a problem is an important step in discovering the right action, it is not a substitute for action. You must take action in order to create change.

Example: John spends a lot of time complaining to everyone about his troubled relationship. He loves getting everyone’s opinion. Some ideas sound good, but he has not taken any action to change his situation.

Peter, on the other hand, hired a coach to find out how to improve his relationship. He has worked out an action plan for his relationship and personal growth. He is consistently taking action steps in both areas and getting great results.

Myth 3:
Knowing the right action is enough to get the result

Knowing what you should do is great. But it is only one of the steps. Take action to get results.

Example:  Rebecca is very knowledgeable about relationships and personal growth. Unfortunately, she does not apply the information she knows and her relationships do not last. She is reading more books, hoping that change will happen soon.

Lori was having trouble in her marriage. She read books, contacted a coach and a therapist. She got herself and her husband involved in couples’ work. They apply what they have learned consistently. Their marriage has greatly improved.

Myth 4:
Personal and relationship growth takes a lot of time

It is true that personal work and growth take time. But it does not take a huge amount of time. Right action, such as communicating, journaling, and writing letters, could take as little as 15 to 30 minutes a day. Find the right action and take it.

Example:  Betty realizes that if she were to write her feelings in a journal, she would be able to express the anger she feels toward her ex lover. But she thinks it would take a lot of time that she doesn’t have.

Jennifer takes 30 minutes each day to journal. In the past three months she has written letters to her ex-boyfriends. She does not intend to send them, but they help her to feel complete. She feels lighter and much less angry.

Myth 5:
There is a magic cure

Sometimes we resist doing what it takes to get where we want to go. We look for the magic formula, or the magic person to make it all better. It would be less painful to take the action in front of us, no matter how difficult it seems.

Example:  Jim goes from one workshop to another in search of the key to his relationship woes. He reads lots of books on relationships. He does not apply much of what he reads and spends his time at the workshops telling people how much he already knows. He is still unhappy.

Don, having done some work with a therapist and then a coach, finally realized he would have to trust a woman in a relationship if he is to have the family he dreams of. He has faced his fears about trusting a woman and is now happily married.

Myth 6:
Doing the right action on occasion is enough

If you only take right action occasionally you will reap slight or no benefits. Only when you consistently take the right action will you get to the results you want.

Example:  Andrew knows by focusing on his partner at least once a day for a few minutes his relationship becomes much more satisfactory. Often, he just doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes his relationship is great. Sometimes it is a struggle.

Alex has agreed with his partner to give her some undivided attention every day. When he does, she feels loved and is supportive and loving toward him. He has done it consistently 95% of the time. His partner now deals well with the few times he can’t focus on her. The overall quality of the relationship has greatly improved.

Do what you know must be done to create the life and relationships you want now!

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries


(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002     This article was originally published by Rinatta Paries in the Relationship Coach Newsletter, one of many relationship resources found at www.WhatItTakes.com. Other highlights include relationship advice, quizzes, relationship coaching and classes. Become a True Love Magnet(TM)!

Female Impersonation

Posted on by
Reply

Female Impersonation – Impersonating the professional working woman is that gal out to get your guy!
By S.D. Craig

Having only one point of view, a female one, I’m not sure what males think about their wives in the workplace. I’m up for discussion on that, too. But women in the office — that’s where I’m headed.

I grew up believing that one should act and dress professionally on the job. Sexy outfits were not considered work attire. I had enough trouble without it.

My first boss later told me he hired me because of my nice legs and that when I left the office that day, I was facing the sun and he could see through my skirt. Great. Had I forgotten my slip? Was I shocked at his years later revelation? Yes, though by that time, I knew this man well.

This same boss would send me to a store a few doors down for change several times a week, even though I’d told him the owner, an older man was harassing me. The boss thought that was funny and I was too young to know how to handle the jerk. The guy was pushing me up against walls, trying to kiss me. Worse yet, he was older than my Dad. I had only to admit this to my husband-to-be or my Dad but I kept silent. I realized it would create a mess. One in which I might lose my job.

Life moved along. Notice in recent years (more so since sexual harassment charges have become the norm), that women are dressing sexier, flirting often and dating men at work? I’m taking a wild guess that could mean they’re having more affairs then they did thirty years ago when I started working.

Did wicked women sprout up out of the earth when the sexual harassment laws were passed? Seems to me some were, and they went hog wild, now feeling protected. Yep, some of those females began doing, saying and wearing whatever they wanted to work.

That’s all well and good, if you’re looking for a husband. But what about our husbands? What about our men out there? I was invested in the ten-year marriage and nine months pregnant with our second child when I found out my first husband failed the test of a woman on his job coming on to him. He bit, and bit but good. And his boat no longer floated in my port, honey .

I’m better off without that man, but the bottom line is, what’s wrong with their men? Why are these women looking at ours at work? Wearing skirts slit up to here (what happens when they sit down at work, is this Sharon Stone all over again?), and necklines down to there. Where do they get off swaggering through the office like they’re trolling for trouser trout?

Ladies, it’s our fishing hole, ain’t it? Stand up for our rights. If they’re trolling, let’s toss them in the water, I say.

Business lunches with these women, are they a necessary evil then? Do you have to hear your husband on the cell phone while out having lunch with a woman, their laughter tinkling in the background? Oh, she’s having such fun, and with your man. That’s right but it’s business, and that makes it just fine in their eyes. That’s bull puckey.

If things are business, conduct them in the office, shall we? Leave those lunches out to the single sex-in-the-city types. You never know who is under that slinky dress and what she’s up to.

Impersonating a professional working woman? It’s an insult to the intelligence females have worked so hard to be recognized for. If these women would keep their skirts down, their necklines up, and their hands to themselves, some work might get accomplished. And, oh by the way, THAT man is taken.

SD Craig is a freelance writer and editor of LovingYourCurves.com and was given the nickname “Chatterbox” by fellow writers. At age fifty, Craigs Southern flair and sense of humor give her plenty to write about with a rapier wit and a wacky outlook. Her articles on body image (her biggest passion), marriage/divorce and relationships, family, friends, career issues, computers, the Internet, horses, baseball, movie reviews and writing tips remind one of Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry. A freelance writer who once juggled five columns then got real, Craig welcomes your e-mails and feedback on her articles. Drop her a hello at sdcraig922@yahoo.com or stop by www.lovingyourcurves.com.

Chat Me Up, Baby!

Posted on by
Reply

By S.D. Craig

What has the big bad world of the internet done?  Oh my goodness. The world where you can meet a future spouse online. I tripped into IRC one day in June, 1996, unaware what a chat program was.  Interesting concept, this chatting by myself in a room on a chair in front of a screen.  But what’s this you say?  I’m chatting with other people doing the same?  Wow.  Okay.  As time progressed, I began to fall in with the regulars, and understand a bit about the whole process.

You could be whomever you wanted to be online. You could be female, five foot two and black, and tell the other chatter you were a six-foot white male. You could drive a BMW, instead of a tuna boat. Very interesting.

I am here to address the untruths about the untruths on chat programs. When you are on a computer, you can lie, cheat, steal, plagiarize, be an idiot, or start flame wars until God swoops down to get you. First timers on chat are appalled at some of the things that can go on.  Don’t be naive.  There are idiots everywhere in the world.  Even on your computer.  Yes, even in your church.  The good news?  They can’t get to you unless you’re being a naive fool.

My confusion with the entire uproar of the past few years over internet meetings between friends is simple. What is so very different about it? Yes, the concept is uniquely new.  I’ll give you that. Having met my husband in a most innocent way on this chat program, I do feel I should explain to the non-chatters out there. It’s my duty.

On the internet you will have opportunities to meet people.  It is up to you to use your common sense. If you lack in this area, then have a few good friends help you out with their feedback. I say friends because families see red when it comes to these things. Trust me, I know. What I enjoyed about the idea of internet meetings was not the blind-date thing, but that I could do it on my own terms.  I could chat with a guy a year (or two) before I allowed him to come meet me.  This would, of course, weed out the ones who weren’t interested in the real me.  I could use a fake name, nickname, or whatever.  Tell him I lived in Arkansas when I’m in Utah.  There are any number of things an enterprising single person can do.  It just takes some reality checks, and a reasonably sane person.

You can meet a man in a bar claiming to be single with a wedding band in his pocket, can’t you?  What makes that any less risky?  I’d say it was a lot riskier.

If you arrange an internet meeting, do it where you are comfortable. Before this happens, I’d advise knowing this person’s numbers both at work and home, and verifying they work.  Knowing where he/she works, lives, their real name.  Make sure they know your sister or friend knows all the information, too. Have a friend, if you’re nervous, meet there with you, or spy from the sidelines.  Whatever makes it work for you. I’ve met a few people at a time before, and we’ve gone dancing and it was great. You can exchange photos on the internet. If someone thinks to send you a Meg Ryan or Brad Pitt look-alike photo — well, the truth can’t be hidden upon meeting, now, can it? Also, I suggest for your ease, try to meet them in a channel listed for your area, i.e. #California if that’s where you live.  Just ask around in the chat program channels, if you’re not sure how to do this.

Huge phone bills and that whole long-distance thing is NO fun.  But I’ve known people that were in New Zealand to hook up with a New Yorker. Anything can happen on the internet. Once you’ve met or even talked on the phone, the chat thing doesn’t seem the same as before. If you’re two thousand miles apart, it can suffice. I know that, too.

My main concern is that with the ease of using the chat programs and the thousands that are out there, I just hope that you’ll use some savvy in your dealings.

I know for me, approaching middle-age and being thrown into the single world once again, I had no idea how or where to date.  Most of my friends were married or tied down.  I lived in a small country town. You get the picture. IRC opened up a whole new world of people to me, and if you’re a writer, you can do real well on there. You’ll be noticed and make friends quickly.

It’s up to you how to cultivate that scenario.  Just be safe.

SD Craig is a freelance writer and editor of LovingYourCurves.com and was given the nickname “Chatterbox” by fellow writers. At age fifty, Craigs Southern flair and sense of humor give her plenty to write about with a rapier wit and a wacky outlook. Her articles on body image (her biggest passion), marriage/divorce and relationships, family, friends, career issues, computers, the Internet, horses, baseball, movie reviews and writing tips remind one of Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry. A freelance writer who once juggled five columns then got real, Craig welcomes your e-mails and feedback on her articles. Drop her a hello at sdcraig922@yahoo.com or stop by www.lovingyourcurves.com.

Dinky Dog and Me

Posted on by
Reply

By S.D.Craig

This article is a response to Nikki the Dog’s article: Claws In The Floor

Could someone, anyone, tell me why a tiny dog thinks they’re so big? A vet once told me my little dog had no idea he wasn’t as large as a Doberman. Isn’t that interesting?

It may explain why he’s nearly gotten me killed on several occasions while walking.

He’s a whopping 9 pound Pomeranian furball. Just don’t tell him that. He has no idea.

I remember the day I was walking along a residential country road, listening to Sawyer Brown on the headphones, Nikki in tow. My arm felt a tug so I turned. A mixed breed dog of some sort, much larger than Nik, was about to dissect his haunches with barred teeth. Being surprised as I was (I hadn’t heard a thing), I just yanked the leash up high in the air.

Poor Nikki. He had the ride of his life, but at least, no teeth sank into his small frame. Hell, they would probably have had trouble finding skin through all that hair.

Actually, I am not sure whether it is hair or fur. What determines that distinction? I’m asking my husband as my fingers fly, and we aren’t quite sure. Any ideas?

Our walks got to the point that if he was coming along, we were going to be hoofing it on the high school track. Tired of being chased by Rottweilers as big as a small car or having dogs run along the fence barking as if I was their long lost mama — it all lost its appeal at 7:00 in the morning. Neighbors wake up, then yell.

The track it is. Now my biggest problem was trying to train the dog when to dispense of his food. First, he did that in the car, until I discovered he can’t eat, then ride.

My fear on the track was that he’d eliminate more than water, there in front of all the other walkers and the teenagers. And who would have to clean this lovely specimen up? Why, me. Yes, I have that kind of face. Make me do all things embarrassing. That’s what I’m convinced it says to people and animals.

How do you train a dog not to crap? Or, at least, not in certain places. I’m into my 4th (or is it 5th) decade now, and I haven’t figured that one out. I need serious help here.

When my daughters and I went to purchase a puppy one Christmas eve, 1992, he was the only one left. We walked around the corner and there he stood. A two-pound fluff, blinking innocent brown eyes up at us. We aahed in unison, and had to own him.

“Is he potty-trained?” I asked. A perfectly normal question.

“Yes, he is,” the breeder lady said.

Great, one thing I didn’t have to worry about.

That is, at least until I got our new puppy home. She lied. Can you return a puppy because he doesn’t know the rules? I don’t think so.

This dog of ours loves to ride in the car. For the most part, he has no clue how to do so. He used to run the full length of my mini-van and drive me nuts. Troll up and down every seat, every window, bouncing around like a dog on Metabolife. Had to make certain his nose print slobber was on each and every window.

Now, I drive a Taurus, and he must be more sedate. That or we drive into the back of the car in front of us. I make him sit nicely on the front seat, or sometimes on the floor, if he’s bothering me. A bother defined is his feeling rambunctious when I don’t.

Dogs. What would we do without their companionship? I am not sure, but I damn well know I wouldn’t be making trips to PetSmart, PetCo, and the groomers so often. Small fortunes have been lost in those places. By me.

Matching dog dishes are not a necessity but they look so neat the same color, with the non-skid bottoms on them. I knew Nikki had to have them, couldn’t live without them. I saw that look in his eyes.

They do skid. Right now, his water dish is on the matching teal-colored placemat, nicely provided by PetSmart for a fee, while the dog food dish has slid across the floor some two feet away. He’s feeling rambunctious again, I guess.

My dog even has to eat weird. He eats when we eat most of the time. At other times, he eats when he knows we want it quiet. That is when he carts somewhere around eleven small bits of dry dog food in his mouth to right in front of the television, drops it all on the newly-vacuumed carpet, and proceeds to crunch. Loudly. Why? Why not eat over your dish like we humans do? I haven’t figured this one out yet.

You never see a horse do that. No, they’re not about to leave their hay bin to let another buddy scoot up in their place.

Dogs, I have discovered, are a very different breed. I would stay and chat more, but I hear him tipping over his dish with his paw. That means the food is now scattered across my tile floor, because he doesn’t LIKE it in the dish. He wants it everywhere, spread out for his perusal. I don’t understand. The pieces all look the same size to me. But what do I know? I’m only his human.

Remind me of this next time, when I think Eddie on Frasier is adorable and I think I need one just like him. Instead, send me to watch dogs on TV, if I need a fix.

About the writer:

SD Craig is a freelance writer and editor of LovingYourCurves.com and was given the nickname “Chatterbox” by fellow writers. At age fifty, Craigs Southern flair and sense of humor give her plenty to write about with a rapier wit and a wacky outlook. Her articles on body image (her biggest passion), marriage/divorce and relationships, family, friends, career issues, computers, the Internet, horses, baseball, movie reviews and writing tips remind one of Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry. A freelance writer who once juggled five columns then got real, Craig welcomes your e-mails and feedback on her articles. Drop her a hello at sdcraig922@yahoo.com or stop by www.lovingyourcurves.com.

How Many Men Does One Woman Need?

Posted on by
1

By S.D. Craig

I can speak from experience, and oh, how I’ve learned, about men in my life.  And men in other women’s lives, too.  That’s not to say I typecast men in general, but there are a few things about both sexes that just fall into place just about every time.  You can count on it.

Men may often talk about or wonder about what women really need.  And if they ever got brave enough to ask us, we may or may not tell them the truth.  Some women like mysterious.  They like to be mysterious.  I truly think there’s a bit of good in the fact that men don’t always know what we’re going to do next.  It keeps them on their toes.

My Mom, to this day, still delightfully surprises my Dad.  She’s such a package of energy, femininity, spirit, brains and talent – I can’t believe it.  Fact is, neither can he.  He still looks over at Mom as if he has no idea how he bagged that one, ya know?  I hear him chuckle as he relates the “new crazy thing Mom did on the golf course today,” golf being his world that he invites her into once in a little bitty while.  He might be busy laughing over the new ways she finds to trip and fall, whether walking or on her bike.  She turned sixty-nine yesterday and I still can’t keep up with her.  But this story is about men.  Males.  Masculinity.  The stronger sex.  The ones who make more money (though that’s ’another argument).

Wanting is not the same as getting and I’m a practical woman.  We all want a Mel Gibson, a Brad Pitt, a Harrison Ford, no?  But what we get is something between there and the slob in the Lazy Boy stuffing Cheetos and beer down, hollering like a lunatic at the 49ers on TV, belly peeking out under the old white T-shirt, socks hanging off the end of his toes.

Don’t get me wrong.  We truly want a real man.  But he needs a few things to fulfill our needs, doesn’t he?  How many men does it take to please one woman?  And can he be a combo of these or does she need separate men for her to be happy?  Good questions.  Thank you.

A woman should begin life with a father and for all of you who didn’t have much in the way of this in your lives, I apologize.  It’s unforgivable.  A female needs a manly man to look up to, or even a softhearted one who cries over movies with her.  It doesn’t matter.  A fatherly figure stands a woman in good stead from diapers and pigtails through dating, marriage and sometimes, even divorce.  A daddy is a good thing.  Sugar daddies were invented for a reason.

There’s a definite need for a handyman in a lady’s life.  A mechanic is nice, also, but not entirely necessary, though a two for one deal here is a real plus.  When she’s knee-deep in filthy sink water, it’s nice to know Mr. Fix-It is just a few feet away on that Lazy Boy.  When that SUV tank breaks down, it’s great to have a guy whose nails aren’t perfect and manicured looking under that hood with some know-how in his eyes.

A sex God?  You’ve seen those nude statues in downtown areas or parks, of the man sculpted to beat all.  Whoa.  Oh yes, a woman needs a man to make her feel like a woman.  That’s not to mean she can’t be a woman without a man, not at all.  But when it comes to the bedroom sports (or wherever you take them in), he’s got to know how to make her purr, push her buttons, stroke her skin.  Don’t forget her hair, nothing’s sexier than a man brushing a woman’s hair (and if they’re both naked, it’s even better).  Romance her, do little things that will be remembered forever.  Men think women aren’t interested in sex.  Don’t you listen to those silly voices in your heads, honey.  If you know what you’re doing, your woman will be interested in about as much romp time (or more) than you can handle.  Uh huh.  Tenderness, appreciation, affection and attention.  What aphrodisiacs.

Earning a living does fall somewhere in the things that makes a woman happy, but a man with his finger on his wallet or the check at dinner makes us smile.  Oh, doesn’t it though?  This going dutch stuff went out long ago, in a Southern woman’s opinion.  Nothing’s better than knowing our man can handle things come fire, flood or famine — famine being the one where he can afford to take us out to dinner every Friday night for the rest of our born days.  We want jewelry and candy and flowers and all that.  Don’t kid yourself we’re satisfied with less.  This doesn’t make a woman materialistic, just feeling like she’s taken care of.

A communicator is high on a woman’s list, a man to talk to and who can hold up the end of a decent conversation.  In with this falls the great listener, too.  Can he repeat back to you everything you say?  Once in a while, I stop in the midst of regaling some tale to Bob and ask him what I’ve just said.  Just checking.  Almost always, he can repeat it to me but I’ve caught him a time or two with no idea what I was saying.  Talk and listen.  Both key words in any relationship, whether it’s with your woman, your children or your parents.  Nobody likes someone who is bent on discussing themselves non-stop.

Along those same lines, let’s add to that a man with a wonderful sense of humor, which includes being able to laugh at himself and not just others.  We don’t need Jim Carrey here, but we don’t want a sourpuss face or a grump to live with.  Humor should be spontaneous, should come often, and let laughter bubble up in your lives more often than it doesn’t.  It’s a fabulous thing, laughter, especially when shared.  I know, I know.  I do laugh out loud at times and I’m completely alone.  So, what’s your point?

Now, I add this one as a personal suggestion.  A woman wants her man to be a good, safe driver.  Thank you for letting me say that.  Not a tailgater, not Parnelli Jones on the interstate, just a plain old “get-me-where-I-wanna-go” kind of man.

Let me say I’m not limiting this list to the above characteristics nor saying all these men can be put into one body.  But we can hope, can’t we?

This is, after all, the new millennium.

SD Craig is a freelance writer and editor of LovingYourCurves.com and was given the nickname “Chatterbox” by fellow writers. At age fifty, Craigs Southern flair and sense of humor give her plenty to write about with a rapier wit and a wacky outlook. Her articles on body image (her biggest passion), marriage/divorce and relationships, family, friends, career issues, computers, the Internet, horses, baseball, movie reviews and writing tips remind one of Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry. A freelance writer who once juggled five columns then got real, Craig welcomes your e-mails and feedback on her articles. Drop her a hello at sdcraig922@yahoo.com or stop by www.lovingyourcurves.com.