You are here: the-vu> Sex> Divorced

The Myth of the Divorced Woman
By Lauri Jean Crowe
© 2001
Published March 2001

As a woman who’s been separated from her husband for months and contemplating divorce, I have been pondering sex even more than usual. (Hard to imagine I know!) Will I be the divorced woman with all the mythos of a promiscuous she-bitch in heat looking to use men for her whims and toss them away? Not that this is all bad, but it seems it would preclude any sort of serious involvement if this stereotype persists. So, how does one go about debunking the myth?

My Aunt certainly did not know how. She was the stereotype. Divorced, two kids, and planting her lips, bottom and whatever else could accept a penis on everything available in age range 17 to 65. She had no strict criteria, just that they have a relatively functioning penis and a desire to let her play with it. She was of course, also a drunk and taking prescription painkillers along with anti-depressants to get over her failed marriage.

The Divorcee (c) 2001 the-vu

My aunt went from bar to bar, in her hometown, embarrassing the whole family as she stroked, sucked, licked and flicked just about every available male. Some even speculated that she would scope out high school schoolyards and she did tell a tale of stopping her vehicle aside a boy on a bike and asking him if he’d like to go and screw. Which he did. What young boy would turn down such an offer from a slender, willing woman at such an impressionable and awkward age. Enter Mrs. Robinson.

My Aunt has since ended up with a man old enough to be her father, who’s equipment no longer functions but who is willing to spend his life savings on a variety of sex toys for her pleasure. She no longer has to hunt, except from the privacy of her home via catalogues and the web. We all have our own definitions of satisfaction and happiness.

Still, all divorced women aren’t like that. Some, such as the soon to be divorced me, actually still seek monogamous relationships with a focus on both monogamy and relationship despite how bad their marriages were. All divorced women are not just oversexed vixens looking for a quick one-nighter without a name. Some of us actually want safe sex rather than just sex, sex, sex. However, I fear we are a strange and rare breed because the stereotype of the divorcee exists and is perpetuated in modern films like “American Pie”. Not only does the divorced woman drink, nowadays she is a worldly woman of means who preys on teenagers for gratification that an older man can’t give her. She wants them when she can train them. Nice thought on the training aspect, but still I would prefer a man who has experience in pleasuring a woman – that way I get the benefit of his expertise, I simply do not want the benefit of his socially contracted diseases.

Unfortunately I don’t think there is any way to debunk the myth of the divorced woman because it is too easy a trap to fall into. Women with failed marriages often have low self-esteem and a quick way to bolster it is through the attentions of men, the more the better. Others are just angry, like my friend Lana who says, “ I'm honestly not familiar with the stereotypical divorced woman. I don't think I was typical. I reveled in my freedom, and targeted several of his friends for seduction. I was very bitter and angry towards him, and was bent on revenge. I didn't think beyond hurting him”.

Fortunately, advances in protection like female condoms and spermicides, and the fact that some of these recently divorced women are worldly and wise will decrease the incidence of unwanted mid-thirty and mid-forty something pregnancies. Still, I can’t help but think that I would much rather be seen for the reality of who I am, rather than the myth of endless women who have paraded their wares before me at a much lower price.

Interview
Meet Rachel. She is divorced, and teeters between sleeping with men who are inappropriate for her, and staying celibate. Learn what she has to tell the-vu about the myth of the divorced woman from her own perspective and why she’d still sleep with her ex-husband if he knocked on the door!

LJCROWE: You were married for 3 ½ years, did you choose the divorce?

RACHEL: I did, but I also tried to work things out and get back together at various times over the years.  Most recently, about 3 1/2 years ago, I went on a  "family" vacation with him and got pregnant with my youngest child.  He  decided that he did not want to reconcile after all.

Was sex a factor of your breakup?

No, sex was not a factor.  Sex with my ex-husband was great.  I'd sleep with him right now, if he knocked on my door.  We broke up because he was never  home, didn't want to work, lied, and basically acted like an irresponsible  child.  He also used drugs when he was not at home and I did not want to be around that - sometimes he was frightening.

Did either of you cheat during the marriage?

Once, when he did not come home for 3 days, I went out with a girlfriend and kissed a stranger.  I didn't suspect him of cheating at the time, but I do now.  

How did you approach sex after the marriage dissolved?

I still had sex with my ex-husband.  I had sex with the man that I lived with.  I had sex with my sister's brother-in-law, who I actually do love, but  he was not ready for a relationship, so that kind of contributed to that broken feeling.   I then went through this really dry period.  I had sex with someone on my 29th birthday and then did not have any again until I went on that fateful family camping trip and got pregnant with my daughter.  Then, it was another two years wait.  I get lonely, but sometimes my fears are larger than my desire.  Does that make sense?

I’m sure it does to many divorced women who’ve been hurt. Were you afraid of being stigmatized as the divorced woman stereotypically out for sex with anything that moves?

Heck, I am the stereotype. To a point.  I am choosy, but I tend to sleep with men who are inappropriate.  For example, way too young (but legal) or not exactly single.  I sleep with men who I do not necessarily want to have a relationship with.  I don't sleep with a lot of men, but I have been single for a long time (7 1/2 years) and I get lonely.  I always tell myself that  I'm not doing it again, that I won't have sex without love.  Then, my friend  Jim will call and I'll say, "Hey, wanna come over?"  I think that I want to be in love again, but the reality is that I feel  broken after my divorce.  I am afraid to get that close to someone again.   So, I sleep with men who are friends of mine and are also not looking for a  relationship.  

Do you seek mainly quality or quantity?

When I was younger, I was more of a quantity person, but after having my kids, I am much more respectful of myself.  I have casual relationships, but I do not sleep with strangers - only friends.  There is a man that I am  interested in now, but he is not single - see there's that inappropriate thing again.  I have not done anything about my attraction to him.  I write about it, it's a great motivator for fiction, but I don't want to break up anyone's relationship.   I bet I sound like a nut.  He is exactly the kind of person that I would like to have a relationship, he is my neighbor, so I see him almost daily.  

Did you ever think about remarrying?

No, I didn't remarry.  I did live with a boyfriend for a short time, about 6  months after the break up of my marriage.  He was an old friend that I felt comfortable with, but I realized that he had changed quite a bit and asked him to leave. 

How  is your sex life now in comparison to when you were married?

I have currently been celibate since April.  Yuck.  I'm currently in one of those darn holding-out-for-love patterns.  I hate when I am like that. 
 
Do you think the stereotype of the divorced woman can be debunked or will always exist?

I'm not sure how powerful that stereotype is, in this day and age.  Do people really think about divorced women's sex drives that much?   I got the  impression that they were more worried about women raising their kids without fathers in the home, than how often divorced moms have sex.   I can only speak from my own experience.  I think that if a divorced woman had a good sex life with her ex, then she is going to be interested in having  sex still.  If she had a bad sex life, then maybe she is willing to wait for the real thing.  Then again, maybe if she had a bad sex life, she may actually be MORE interested in finding MORE sex.  Who knows?  Depends on the woman.  I think that some stereotypes are actually the way things are.  

© 2001, Lauri Jean Crowe

Writer:
Lauri Jean Crowe is a freelance writer known for such diverse topics as dreams, sexuality, gardening, health and parenting. She is a freelance writer, artist and designer living in Michigan, USA. Lauri Jean welcomes feedback at vu-writer@earthlink.net and is seeking serious individuals who wish to be interviewed about all aspects of sexuality.

To learn more about this writer and her diverse skills follow these links

The Living Herbal

Managing Editor, Customs, Etiquette, Folklore

Contributing Editor, The Art & Science of Dreams

Short Story Editor at Mocha Memoirs

Index of writers, the-vu

About Lauri Jean Crowe's own dreams
Mythwell Survey