The Methane Army is coming to get you.

By Major Pong

People of Earth,

We are The Methane Army. We are billions of molecules of stinky atmosphere warming gas and we are putting on our boots and getting ready to come through the door and whip your ass.

Actually we’ve been doing this from time to time over millions of years, since well before you messy humans evolved. Oops, sorry to use the E word you religious numbskulls. Where was I? Oh yes,.. the Methane Cycle. No it’s it’s not my new mountain bike.

You see we are trapped by cool temperatures in the soil beneath your wetlands, lakes and oceans. but as you pump more and more carbon dioxide into the air with your silly cars made by General Motors who are so stupid they cannot even line up a steering wheel with a driver’s seat, we see our opportunity to come out and play.

As far as warming the planet is concerned, we are twenty four times times as effective as carbon dioxide. And it’s not the cows and sheep that you keep prisoner that will push us out the door, and push you over the edge, we are already here in the billions, waiting to bubble up and cook you ’til you dry up and disappear.

Yes the atmosphere will kill a few of us, but there are enough of us to tip the balance, so unless you find a way to cool down Earth, and fast, we will be out and you will be gone.

Before your industrial age, we were 7 parts per billion in the atmosphere, and now we are 1700 parts per billion, and rising. And we are much better than carbon dioxide at keeping in that people-cooking solar radiation and heating up the planet. Sure there is “OH”, not a magazine by Oprah, but a hydroxyl free radical that can destroy us in the atmosphere, but you know what, we are going to win.

So enjoy it while you can humans. We’ve seen your kind come and go before, and before you know it, your crust will be recycled and all traces of you will be melted clean in the mantle.

Major Pong is very tiny, so he enlisted the help of Jeffrey the Barak to write this fine article for the-vu.


  1. What about the smoke from millions of silly stinky tobacco smokers ?
    I hope you will whip their asses too.
    Let them be the first to go.

  2. Ah yes, the black lung army. Stinky indeed, but no planet destroying power. Their tobacco weapon only kills those closest to them.

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