Male Version of the Truth

By S.D. Craig

I really never thought of myself as a dumb woman. I’ve been told I’m intelligent, quick and fast with my wit. Sharp, one might say. If I’m so sharp, there are some things that still don’t come out clearly in my mind.

A man might admit to you he doesn’t care for thin women. Or fake breasts. Or dyed blonde hair. Right? He wants or admires a real woman, curvy, cuddly, and voluptuous on her own. And I completely understand that, admire that opinion, in fact. Until I’m walking with that same man and see his head pivot like an owl when Miss-Plastic-Parts- Toothpick-Blonde-Tan-Woman struts by.

What is it about blondes with boobs and tans that make grown men act like 16-year old horndogs? And don’t men know how humiliating it is to be with even a male friend (whom you’re not romantically involved with) who does this as a regular habit? I’ve been in the midst of a conversation when Miss Plastic Parts walks by in a grocery store cooler aisle. She’s cold. What man would miss noticing those headlights (as they love to refer to them as)? Revolve in a tight circle just drooling over this same woman he’s described as unacceptable to him. All the while, here we are left standing watching the whole thing, ignored in mid-sentence.

Don’t tell me a woman can’t whack a man good. I’ve thought of it.

What then, is the male version of the truth? If it’s true big boobs aren’t everything, blondes aren’t IT, and thin isn’t in, well, we women deserve some explanations then. Put six gals in bikinis with equal enough endowments and make only one of them blonde, and which one will get the nod on a TV beer commercial? You guessed right. Don’t even ask me to turn on “The Man Show,” honey. I don’t go there.

Oh and I have long argued that if women can be so exposed in magazines and TV and the movies, why can’t men? Yet count the times you’ve seen a real naked man on a movie. Ho hum. And when there was one, he wasn’t worth the looking. (Sorry, Donald Sutherland and Harvey Keitel). Really, we need more female movie directors, that much is obvious.

To believe what a man says about the opposite sex, I’d have to be convinced and that would take some doing. I’ve been around long enough to see their heads spin, their eyes bulge, their breathing quicken. And if I don’t hear something that sounds logical and really genuine out of their mouths soon, I’ll teach them how to use a baseball bat. Just you wait.

SD Craig is a freelance writer and editor of LovingYourCurves.com and was given the nickname “Chatterbox” by fellow writers. At age fifty, Craigs Southern flair and sense of humor give her plenty to write about with a rapier wit and a wacky outlook. Her articles on body image (her biggest passion), marriage/divorce and relationships, family, friends, career issues, computers, the Internet, horses, baseball, movie reviews and writing tips remind one of Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry. A freelance writer who once juggled five columns then got real, Craig welcomes your e-mails and feedback on her articles. Drop her a hello at sdcraig922@yahoo.com or stop by www.lovingyourcurves.com.

Great Wall and Great Zoo

By Nick Dao

The frigid bite in the September morning air in Beijing, China made me glad I had brought along a jacket. With the help of the hotel clerk who had acted as my interpreter, I had hired a taxi to drive me to The Great Wall. I thought that my request was simple enough to avoid any confusion with the taxi driver, but I thought wrong.

Because of the demands of the 50th Anniversary celebration under the communist rule that Beijing was carrying out that day, a lot of the streets had been barricaded and the normal traffic flow had to take alternate routing. Instead of driving me right up to the entrance of The Great Wall, the taxi driver had to drop me off about half a mile down the road from the wall. In that universal sign language that taxi drivers use to talk to us tourists, he told me to walk to a nearby ticket office where I could buy my ticket to go see The Great Wall. I promptly followed his directions without even contemplating that I might have misunderstood his directions.

Off in the far distance, I could see some winding sections of The Great Wall that was miles from where I was. Now, all I had to do was buy a ticket and step through the official entrance to The Great Wall. Excited that I was finally going to see one of The Seven Wonders of the World, I crossed a parking lot, bought a ticket at the ticket booth, and got on a bus filled with the local Chinese tourists who were enjoying their government-endorsed day off.

The bus didn’t start up right away. We sat there for at least thirty minutes. While we were sitting there in the parking lot, a bunch of monkeys kept running up to the bus to be fed by the tourists inside the bus. Just about everyone in the bus was throwing peanuts, slices of bread, and pieces of bananas out the window to the monkeys who were jumping on each other and shrieking at one another as they competed for the bits of food. After about half an hour of this monkey business, the bus finally started up, and we started driving down the road.

Our bus stopped in front of a large, solid, iron gate that was twice as tall as the bus. I saw that there was a fence that stretched out on either side of the gate and couldn’t figure out the reason for that fence. Maybe, I thought, that was just their way of keeping out the people who didn’t want to pay the entrance fee to see The Great Wall.

The iron gate opened up, we drove through it, and came to a stop in front of a second set of solid, iron gates. This second gate also had a fence that stretched out on either side of it. I automatically surmised that the second fence was an additional measure to keep out the people who didn’t want to pay the entrance fee to see The Great Wall. The bus sat idling by while the first gate behind us closed up. After that gate had closed, the second gate in front of us then opened up. We drove through the second gate, stopped, waited for the second gate to close up behind us, then proceeded to drive along a winding road.

I thought it was odd that they had taken such extreme measures to keep out the people who didn’t want to pay for the tickets to see The Great Wall. Two solid iron gates and two sets of fences? Wasn’t that a bit extreme? I was stuck on those erroneous assumptions until I saw the sights right outside my bus window.

I saw lions and tigers running loose around the bus, and that was when I realized I had gotten on the bus for an outdoor zoo! I can’t believe this, I said to myself. How could this have happened? How did I end up on a bus to an outdoor zoo?

In a not-too-graceful scamper, I scooted out of my seat and walked up to the bus driver. “Excuse me,” I said, “but I got on the wrong bus. I was trying to go see The Great Wall.” The bus driver stopped the bus and turned to look at me. He gave me a quizzical smile and shook his head to tell me he didn’t understand what I was saying.

I’m Vietnamese, and since the moment I had arrived in Beijing, everyone I came across in China assumed I was Chinese. When I spoke to them in English, they looked at me as if I might have been an expatriate Chinese who had to resort to speaking English because he had forgotten how to speak his native Mandarin.

“The Great Wall,” I peeped out to the bus driver one more time. He maintained a quizzical smile that told me I wasn’t getting anywhere in my communication with him. I looked back at the crowd on the bus to see if anyone might have understood what I’d just said so they could give me a hand with what I was trying to say. The crowd on the full bus looked back at me with a collective, confused expression. I thought about peeping out, “The Great Wall,” one more time to anyone on the bus in a last ditch effort to get some help, but I saw my effort would have been futile. Nobody had any idea what I was saying, and I had no idea how to tell them I had boarded the wrong bus. Furthermore, it was all too obvious that I was holding up the zoo tour. The only option available to me was to sit down, shut up, and enjoy the zoo tour, so I sat down, shut up, and enjoyed the zoo tour.

Almost two hours after I had seen more lions and tigers than I had planned on seeing, I finally found the entrance to The Great Wall. It was about half a mile up the road from the zoo. After I had bought the correct ticket and had walked through the correct entrance, I walked for a mile on top of The Great Wall that I had only read about in books.

I returned to my hotel that afternoon thinking about how much my visit to The Great Wall had been well worth the effort. Not only had I seen and walked on the centuries-old slabs of stones that make up The Great Wall, but I had also seen and ridden through a zoo tour that will always remain in my memory as The Great Zoo.

I left China two days later thinking how fortunate I was to have a job that would allow me to fly to Beijing for the weekend to see The Great Wall. I also left China thinking about a side note of curiosity about my image in America and in China. In America, people keep mistaking me for Chinese, and in China, they also keep mistaking me for Chinese.

Writer Nick Dao is based in Southern California. An American originally from Vietnam, he is able to offer a unique perspective on travel to Asia and elsewhere.

Dog-Powered Scooters

By Mark Schuett

How many ways have you seen people being pulled by their dogs? There are dogs out in front of bicycles, skateboards, Rollerblades, scooters, skis, etc. And don’t they look like a great deal of skill is required and potentially dangerous for the dog as well as the “rider”? Have you heard of the personal stories of crashes and injury? But who can blame us, we have an innate urge to tap into the power of the dog, our favorite domesticated animal friend who has an overflowing enthusiasm and energy.

Now, a new way to utilize dog power is available, that solves many of the “danger” issues. It’s called the “dog powered scooter” and its awesome fun. It essentially puts the one with the big brain, the rider, in control of the speed and direction of travel. The key design element that accomplishes this is by placing the dog, not out in front, but actually behind the steering mechanism. This has been accomplished by coupling the dog to our most basic, simple, stable form of the wheel- the scooter. We’ve seen the popularity of the small micro-scooters with the very young to attest to their ease of use and stability.

Up scaled scooters for adults have been available but have not grown in popularity due to greater efficiency and practicality of the bicycle. But now enter “dog power” and the equation has shifted.

The scooter is the perfect vehicle to motivate with dog power. The center of gravity (with you standing on the footboard) is so low on scooters that its very easy to keep it upright- and if instability is introduced terra firma is only inches away and its easy to step off.

But now where to put the dog as an engine? As discussed earlier the dog needs to be subject to the steering forces of the scooter therefore they need to be behind the front steering wheel. For safety and confidence the dog needs to see any obstacles coming along into his path. And through trial and error placing the dog at the side had the least negative effect on the scooter handling- and in fact added width to the system, which aids in stability. (For those with poor balance like very young children or the elderly a third wheel can be added to the “outrigger”) Through continued experimentation a rigid bar and harness configuration was developed to keep the dog in position- limiting side-to-side movement while allowing forward motion. Then it was a simple matter to make the rigid connection to the standard (large wheels, good brakes) scooter.

Another great advantage of giving the rider the power of steering is that there is virtually no “training” necessary for the dog. The animal’s only choice is to go forward, no dog needs training to do that!

Time does need to be spent getting the dog to overcome the “claustrophobia” of restricted side-to-side motion and the “spookiness” of being next to a wheel. (Wheel/spoke cover provided)

Most confident dogs need just a few minutes in position to acclimatize to the system. And with time learn to actually use the side-to-side restriction as an aid to balance. They also quickly key into the front wheel for turning direction. But mainly they are so “hardwired” into the unit that they “feel” the tug on the harness as soon as the rider begins any directional change and or speed change! Surprisingly the scooter maneuverability is almost unaffected by the dog (they can side step easily) and 90 degree turns are not a problem.

Verbal commands are not a necessity and have been relegated to a courtesy! To speed up, the rider “kicks” and tugs forward on the harness. Conversely the dog “feels” the reverse tug on the harness indicating braking. Dogs can easily out brake any scooter and usually are happy and cooperative in braking thus the scooter generally only needs to stop itself. Yet rider judgment is always needed to keep speed down in areas of congestion. Most dogs also quickly give up “fighting” the system and expending unproductive energy in trying to get to other dogs, cats, squirrels, etc. If anything you get a shot of forward energy! Yet the scooter has such great slow speed stability that you can still stand on it and ride even at a dogs walking pace!

Yet I don’t want to convey this system is just a toy for human entertainment. It involves a larger body of knowledge about dog care, limitations and teamwork therefore can offer more satisfying rewards. The dog must see this as beneficial to him in some way- namely chance to get exercise, a way to get to a dog park to play, a way to get more rewards in terms of treats and or love & attention. Just like work is to us this should become a source of “pride” for the animal.

There are some ways to mitigate the systems impact on the dog in order to keep it fun and safe. First of all you’ll be part of a team and need to help the dog a lot- particularly on the up hills. This is essentially a dog-assisted scooter. The dog will perform better if he gets your participation. I don’t recommend more than a 100 lb. weight difference between the rider and dog. (this is where the lighter women and children have an advantage) Don’t leave your dog in the system for more than 2 miles and or 20 minutes before letting him out for a play break with water available. Cut the activity back dramatically during hot weather. Minimize the time spent on hard pavement.

The “outrigger” is recommended attached on the right side so that on a typical sidewalk the dog can run on the grass while you keep the wheels on the pavement. (This also minimizes conflicts or collisions with head on passing of bicycles, dogs, other people) For intensive use (more than 3 outings- 6 miles each per week) on pavement, use the new dog booties with the thick rubber soles. Keep your dog’s claws cut short, allow the dog to set the pace. There will be times when the dog will breakout into a gallop for the thrills you desire, but most of the time he will pace himself at a trot and slow to a walk when needing to recharge. Again stop and rest often and enjoy this great way to spend time traveling with your dog.

With a responsible rider and a strong dog this new dog-powered scooter system offers solutions to many of the challenges we face in exercising our dogs in this ever more congested world. It offers lots of exercise in short period of time, lets the dog go full blast and or walk offering its owner the thrill of dog mushing and an opportunity to participate, maneuverability and control appropriate for the urban environment, all the while keeping the dog completely under control required in our litigious society.

If you’re looking for a new sport and a practical tool for transportation for yourself and your furry friend this is it; dog mushing for the common dog and the common owner, during any season.

Prices start at $450 without shipping. To order contact the writer: Mark Schuette (541)383-3845 mschue5938@aol.com

For more information and pictures: http://dogpoweredscooter.com