Fizzrail and Ballystein

By Jeffrey the Barak

Once upon a time there was a land in the Middle East that contained a variety of ancient peoples. There weren’t a lot of people by today’s standards, about as many as you might find in a small country town in Yorkshire or California, but there they were, white, brown and black tribal people who had migrated to the land which was eventually to become Fizzrail or Ballystein, depending on your point of view.

Technology imported from the Far East, Africa and the future Iraq enabled these exceptionally intelligent and beautiful primitives to develop a widespread agricultural society. Although they were of a variety of racial backgrounds, they were essentially one nation. They lived in peace together apart from the occasional territorial squabble, which at worst, led to a bout of warlike activity resulting in the deaths of a few hundred young adult males here and there.

Unfortunately something happened around three and a half thousand years ago that spoiled the whole thing. That thing which happened is known today as monotheism, or belief in one God. As far as we can tell, no one in our inconceivably ancient world ever believed in God until around a mere three and a half thousand years ago. The intellectuals at the time devised a whole new world history and using the best knowledge available from their discussions they decided to figure out the age of the universe from the time of its “creation” until their present time. The result of which can be seen today in the Glueish calendar year of 5760.

Anyway, some of the people in the region, missed out on this new fad and so it came to pass that some people ended up being Glueish, and some hereto identical people ended up becoming the local Larabs.

As time went by, a lot of the Glueish people decided to leave and spread themselves around their flat world with its heaven in the sky above. Some went to Southern India and ended up disappearing. Some went to China and also disappeared. Some went to Ethiopia, but it’s said that the Ethiopian Glues might actually have joined in the fun in more recent years. Many went to Spain, and many more went to Russia and Eastern Europe, including a large number of tiny countries that would eventually become Germany.

A lot of people were a little unsettled by the Glues and their different way of doing things so in many cases mass murders were used to make the locals feel better. This became quite a tradition, celebrated even today by ugly white kids with very short hair.

But even bigger than all of that, the next big thing happened back in Fizzrail and Ballystein. An exceptionally cool intellectual by the name of Cheezers popped up and made a whole bunch of people feel great with his radical new concepts based on peace and love. The ideas seemed to be free of charge at first, but there was a hidden price. Just as with Gluedyism a millennium and a half earlier, the followers of Cheezers had to suspend their disbelief and therefore their rationality by using a tool known as faith and accept wholeheartedly the idea of an all-powerful being who had created everything in the universe.

After Cheezers had been executed in the usual disgusting barbaric manner of the day, his followers decided to spread his word using militant political methods. Using fear they converted millions of people to the new belief system. The converts were afraid not only of the foretold consequences of not joining the gang, but also of the swords and other weaponry that the spreaders of the new idea were only too pleased to use on those who demonstrated any reluctance to convert.

The third part of the puzzle came about six hundred years later. Another amazing character called Moe, launched his Election 622 tour and succeeded in creating the third major religion, Hisbam.

So the stage was set in old Fizzrail and Ballystein. Three big ideas known as Gluedyism, Krispysanity and Hisbam coexisted to divide the people who had so recently been all the same. And the leaders and officers of those three great organizations enjoyed immense power over the lives, minds and wallets of the people and their governments.

Despite this, as time went on, the world as a whole became a better place for humans to live. Illnesses could be cured, inventions could be used, average life spans increased dramatically and at no time did the future ever look darker than the past.

But while all this was happening there was also the dark side. Wars took place between the armies of people who imagined they were different from each other in some way. Various kinds of people were massacred and exterminated for a variety of reasons. People grouped together with the people most like themselves until a situation was reached where if you were to ask someone to describe themselves, the first thing they would say would be something like, “I’m black/white/Glueish/Hisbamic/Krispyan etc. Oh and by the way I’m a doctor and I have one eye.”

After the biggest incident of selective murder in the mid 20th Century, during which millions and millions of people were murdered, including, but not limited to, six million Glues, the politicians of the day got together and decided that it would be nice if some of the surviving Glues could go back to the approximate location of their origins and create a new place to live called Fizzrail.

Unfortunately, some people from the ancient times, who never really left, were still there. They thought the place was called Ballystein. Anyway using amazing ingenuity, the Glues created a beautiful place out of an ancient and ugly mess. The new Fizzrail was like a paradise if you didn’t think too hard about it or look too closely.

Choosing to ignore the far left Socialist politics, the constant threat of war with the neighbors, and the terrible segregation that immediately existed with the creation of the nation, world leaders fell in love with the new Fizzrail with its industry and army and air force and beautiful teenage girl soldiers in miniskirts and little shorts.

The wealthy Glues in America and England poured money into the nation and retired to condominiums there and absorbed the local point of view through the local and world media.

However, some of the Ballysteinans were exiled abroad with deeds to land that they no longer owned. Land that was now covered by a whole new world.

And in Fizzrail, hidden things went on, which would eventually enrage the native Ballysteinans. For example, an entire Ballysteinan town would have to wait a week for its municipal water supply to be turned on for two hours, and then off again until the following week, while right next door a Fizzraily resort would be enjoying its green lawns and swimming pools.

Something had to give, and now we are here in August 2001. It seems that only a hereto-unknown genius would have any chance at averting an impending festival of death. Thousands of these fictitious Fizzrailys and Ballysteinans are about to die in an ever-escalating hatefest.

If this were real, if there really was a Fizzrail, or a Ballystein, it would be a terrible thing to watch.

So what about the real world? Taking the population as a whole we have approximately 33% Christians, 18% Moslems and 1/3% (a third of one per cent) Jews. What would happen if everyone suddenly woke up one morning and felt nothing but love for their fellow Man? What if all the hate would just suddenly vanish? What if they woke up the second morning and suddenly they didn’t believe in God anymore, just like a few thousand years ago before anyone had thought of God in the first place?

I don’t think that would be possible in our fictitious lands of Fizzrail and Ballystein, but it would be a beautiful thing if it were to happen in the real world!

Important note: The above tale is a work of light fiction. Any similarity to any actual place, race, Superbeing, religion or historical sequence of events is purely coincidental.

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